#parts

Yeah, she’d be surprised. This is a bit depressing, but the child version of me didn’t truly believe I’d make it to adulthood. No less, that I’d become the version of me I am now. 🥲 Numerous reasons for that, but the biggest being my health. I was very, very sick as a kid. In and out of hospitals, on a ton of meds, bed bound at times, home bound, on a feeding tube, etc. And I mean, I still have a chronic illness, but it’s managed now.

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Am I still me? To some extent, yeah, I don’t think the core parts of me have changed. But being a child with a chronic illness changes a lot about you, it alters your entire life, and it certainly changes how you think about growing up, getting older, and so on. A lot of children envision what life will be like when they’re older, what they’ll do, who they’ll be… But I really didn’t get the chance to do that. I was solely focused on getting through each day. I didn’t imagine a future cause I didn’t believe I had one. And purely as a long standing habit/coping mechanism, even now as an adult, I really, really don’t envision/plan for my future. And just thinking about it overwhelms me super easily. 😩

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So yes, I think the child version of me would be a mixture of amazed, relieved, and overjoyed that, one, I made it this far. Two, that I’ve had so much good happen in my life. And three, that I’m so far from the life I had back then where I was, on a good day, just barely functioning, and was just trying to get through each new obstacle I faced. I think she’d be so proud, and honestly, it would likely change her so much to know she was inevitably gonna be okay. 🥹

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I can never fake who I am. Because it takes a lot of energy to pretend, and I don't have enough of it. So, I don't make myself go though that hassle of not being myself.
I don't fear disappointment anymore. Simply because I know the nature of people, they will disappoint you, hurt you, it is inevitable.
One can disappoint me or take me for granted only if I allow them to. Once, is a mistake. Twice and onwards is a pattern. People can correct their mistakes, but very few can break their patterns. So they hurt me after I showed them my authentic self, maybe I will give them another chance. Two or three if they mean a lot to me, but once you sit down and think, that there is nothing you can do about such people, you don't waste your energy entertaining them. Rather than not showing my authentic self to them, I would just stop showing myself altogether.

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Personally – I believe that there are elements of life that are predetermined by fate or circumstance - things like where we are born, who our parents are, and the opportunities and challenges that come our way as a result. However, I also think that we have agency and power to shape our destinies through the choices we make and the actions we take. To put it another way, life is like a river with many different currents and obstacles along the way. Some parts of the journey may be out of our control entirely - maybe there's a storm brewing up ahead or rapids too strong to navigate alone. But even in those moments when it feels like everything is working against us, we can still choose how to respond. We can brace ourselves for impact or look for ways to paddle through more smoothly. So while I don't necessarily believe in one specific destiny or path laid out before us from birth. I do think that every choice we make has an impact on where we end up eventually. It might not always feel like much at first glance, but over time those choices add up and shape who we become. 🌻

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