#misery

no matter how much i outgrow and be at a better place, no amount of healing and apologies to myself can return that girl who was 19, 20, 21, 22 once, fighting for her life. like i didn't deserve that rite of passage. i am like i will give it all to be 19 again, to be 21 again and redo those years & extend myself all the love in the world. i hate it i hate it so much. with making peace w things, i don't seem to ever bring myself to be okay with the fact that i didn't have a nice girlhood, whenever i will remember being 19 or turning 23, I will always yet remember those bad birthdays, those melancholic new year eve's and those ugly lies. i won't ever forgive and forget that. i wish all too well very worse on the people who made me suffered, i hope in this very life they insha'Allah see their downfall and every misery coming back to them tenfolds. i wish they pay the price of destroying someone's whole sense of being each day. i am so okay and then this rage hits me up on a morning and i lose every ounce of my growth

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That can very much happen but if a situation like that were to happen, I’d probably live in denial and/or would try to convince myself that they aren’t living the picture perfect life that they appear to be living on the outside. If someone has wronged me somehow, then the chances are high that they’ll also be wronged by someone else or that they’ll possibly mature one day and realize where they went wrong but by then it might be too late to make amends. I probably wouldn’t be petty or upset for the rest of my life because God blessed them tho and would rather move onto focusing on myself instead (because, if I’m being honest, I couldn’t care less about what others are doing unless it affects me someway/somehow these days). Being miserable and dwelling over the fact that they’re seemingly living a better life than me won’t do anything but just add more misery to my life and cause resentment, which are definitely both feelings that I don’t want to deal with nor do I have to deal with them either.

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i read a short story about a chef whose pastry can make you relive certain memories.

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his wife is a food taster at the table of a tyr_ant, who we later discover has ki_lled her sister because she dared to be among those who defy him.
he kid_napped the chef and forced him to work in his kitchens. she offered to get this job to be close to her husband only to be kept apart from him.

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that particular night, her husband made a pastry called "Bitter Chocolate of Agony Observed". she tastes it first and sees her sister getting hurt and she feels the same pain as if she were hurt the same way herself.

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and when the tyr_ant eats it, can you imagine what happens to him?
all the suffering and losses he must have witnessed and been the cause of?
the horrors he'll relive and feel as if they were his own?
oh, such agony he must have felt in the three weeks he remained unconscious afterwards.

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i wonder..
i don't think real-world tyr_ants of today would fare differently if such a thing existed.
i'm sure all the world leaders would go into comas of such acute pain and misery that they'd wish they were no more.
believe me, i wish that, too, with all my outraged, broken heart.

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the only thing to console me is: they will face the same thing and so much worse.. soon. so much sooner than they think.
amen.

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"The best of us can find happiness in misery." - Fall Out Boy

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Fall Out Boy - I Don't Care

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https://youtu.be/Alh6iIvVN9o

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Say my name and his in the same breath
I dare you to say they taste the same
Let the leaves fall off in the summer
And let December glow in flames
Erase myself and let go
Start it over again in Mexico
These friends, they don't love you
They just love the hotel suites, now
I don't care what you think
As long as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness in misery
I said I don't care what you think
As long as it's about me
The best of us can find happiness in misery
Oh take a chance let your body get a tolerance
I'm not a chance, put a heat wave in your pants
Pull a breath like another cigarette
Pawnshop heart trading up
On the oracle in my chest
Let the guitar scream like a fascist
Sweat it out, shut your mouth
Free love on the streets but
In the alley it ain't that cheap, now

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For some, there is hardly any difference. It would appear counterintuitive but there are plenty of people who choose to find pleasure in misery. It is familiar territory. A convenient crutch. Perhaps one of the easiest ways to garner sympathy. Yes, genuine depression exists but it can be addressed and it is important to remember that medication or therapy isn't required in every case. A very serious condition may require intervention but there are times when a positive mental attitude will suffice. Those who truly need help should seek it. There is no shame in doing so. If services aren't available or accessible, one could turn to friends, family, colleagues, mentors, spiritual advisors, etc. Merely talking with another person can do a world of good. Surrender is not an option. Joy can be found in simple things but we must be willing to find it. The cost is less than what I charge people to visit my page. Please deposit $0.00 in my Ask account and don't forget to smile. Often. 🙃

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that's a social construct. savā ziņā arī smadzeņu skalošana, īpaši viss tas "dabiskās ģimenes" mēsls ar uzspiešanu taisīt bērnus (in this economy lmao), bet ne par to. ja cilvēks nav laimīgs ar sevi, viņš savu misery uzgrūdīs otram un liks just atbildību pret viņa emocijām. man ir bijušas attiecības ar cilvēkiem, kas man skandināja "es bez tevis nevarētu dzīvot, tikai tu dod man iemeslu turpināt" un tas viss bija uz manas mentālās veselības rēķina. lieki piebilst, ka viņi ļoti ātri prot atrast citu cilvēku uz ko parazitēt. viņiem ir labi, jo otrs uz sevis nes to viņu negāciju vezumu. kad no tādiem tiek vaļā, tad tu esi laimīgāks par laimīgu. vai arī atrodot cilvēku, kas nav toksisks, tad var būt laimīgs arī attiecībās. un to redz diezgan ātri vai cilvēks ir toksisks, vai nav. no mind games n shit.

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Depression isn’t like a person always talking about sadness. They would be completely normal with you but at the back of their mind they want to escape this world. In fact, you wouldn’t be able to tell if the person is depressed because they’d laugh and eat with you but things get worse when they’re alone. They’re hopeless and empty from the inside and are unable to find someone to share their misery with. They would prefer to sleep or stay silent most of the times thinking that one day it’s going to disappear. In worse cases people are half paralysed not because of any physical change. The brain doesn’t produce much dopamine to keep them happy and motivated in life. And the treatment to this problem is to have a loving and understanding family with whom they can share stuff. Medication is just a push, the real treatment is in therapy.

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