Dr. Andrew

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thank you Dr. Andrew, and ive severe anxiety, I'm weird and scared qhen there's people, its behavioral problems?

It sounds like you have a social phobia. There really is no need to continue to suffer. You need some professional help. There are a lot of medications with minimal side effects that can help you. You probably feel like you are the only person around that has this. I assure you there are quite a few people that have the same type of fear. Call a psychiatrist in your area and make an appointment. You'll be very glad you did.

Is there an easy way to break up with a guy without hurting his feelings? I’ve just outgrown him.

Other than being polite, there is no easy way. Breakups hurt because they are a loss. If you have outgrown him, as you say, then just be gentle but definitely move on. Don't stay in a relationship out of guilt.

Everything is right about my boyfriend except his finances. He is always in debt. I’ve tried to help him but he doesn’t take suggestions well. We’re supposed to get married but I’m really worried. How do I tell him?

First, you should be worried. The big three issues that pop up whenever there are marital problems are sex, parenting, and MONEY. One of the things on most women's relationship lists is financial stability. You are right there with you sisters. Don't advance the relationship until the matter is addressed or you will be addressing in the future with much more at stake.

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Why doesn't he txt me back? He only txt me when he wants to!

Because you have trained him. You are like the puppy dog that waits in the corner until your master calls you. What you should do is to tell him that while you don't expect him to constantly communicate with you all day, you do expect him to show you the same courtesy that you show him. If he continues, then you should not text him back until you want to. Don't be so needy.

Every time I try to get in with my gf’s parents they look down at me. It’s starting to really bug me. Do I say anything to my gf?

I think you need to discuss the situation with her and see what she says. If it gets too uncomfortable, you may have to just tell her that you don't feel comfortable around her family. Hopefully at some point you can sit down with them and let them get to know you better. No one should be looked down upon by anyone.

My boyfriend's mother is dying of cancer and I don’t know how to help him. It seems that no matter what I do, I don’t get it right. What should I do?

Just be there for him. It's a very stressful time, and you may find yourself being used as an emotional dumping ground. Just reassure him and let him know you are there for him. The loss of a close family member is always difficult, but mothers are special.

My gf keeps wanting to change the clothes I wear. I wear whats comfy. It’s getting on my nerves. Whats up with females and clothes?

Ever hear the expression, "It's the clothes that make the man." Even though some guys are clothes hounds, most of the time it's females. That's why the women's section is three times the size of the men's section in department stores. If you lady cares about you that much, let her dress you. I do. I learned a long time ago that my wife has way better taste in clothes than I do. Do they have formal gym shorts and tee shirts anywhere? I'd could go for that. Keep in mind a saying that can be translated into almost any language, "Happy Wife, Happy Life!"

Do most people want the same thing in relationships?

Because of the work we've done with our app, Love Shopping List, we can speak with pretty good knowledge regarding relationships. Most people have very broad, general things they would like ( I want a healthy relationship, I want a loving relationship, etc.), but needs really vary. We were amazed to find out how much variance there is once we got down to the details. It varies by gender, age, culture, and many other factors. You would think there would be some consistency, but there's not as much as most people would think.

Can I be really really in love with two guys at the same time?

Sure. It's certainly possible that you have found two guys who meet your needs in almost identical ways. It certainly would make it hard to choose, but ultimately it's probably better if you do. You might want to try our free app, Love Shopping List. It will help you compare both guys to your ideal list and may give you more insight into your thoughts. Just enjoy the journey in the meantime, and don't put too much pressure on yourself.
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Why are people so opposed to gay marriages?

Some people are opposed to things they don't understand, but I would be careful about generalizing to "people" because there are many who support same sex marriages. Times change. At one point many people were opposed to marriages between people of different races, cultures, religions, etc. There still are people opposed to those. In many ways the world has become more tolerant, but there are still strong beliefs that will take many years to change. Many people are put off by anything that's different than what they are or do. Education is the best way to handle it. Be patient.
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My bf wil not come over my house because my mother smokes. She says he’s just trying to manipulate me and not meet her. Who is right?

I respect your boyfriend for not wanting to put himself into an unhealthy environment. My guess is that he is also upset that you are exposed. This is not a matter of right or wrong. This is about control. Your mother is deflecting the issue by trying to invent something that isn't there. You might suggest meeting at a neutral site so that she can meet him, assuming that he really would like to meet her. BTW, you are exposed to both second and third hand smoke, too. It's not good for your health either. As a couple we refused to let anyone into our house who smelled of smoke, especially after our kids were born, and that included relatives. Some people were really upset, but we believed strongly that we wanted a smoke free home. We weren't trying to tell people what to do, but we were taking control over our own environment.

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My family is from the Mid East. I am dating a white guy from a small town in Wyoming. They refuse to even meet him and have told me I cannot come to any family event with him. What can I say?

Unfortunately your family is forcing you to choose between them and him. You have a real life cross cultural issue. All you can do is tell them that you still love them. If you are going to stand up to them, you have to weigh the consequences in advance. Regrettably many families will disown members because they have crossed some imaginary standard. Ultimately the choice is yours. You can ask them if they would be willing to go to a therapist to discuss it, but generally that suggestion gets rejected. My own cousin was willing to disown his daughter because she was marrying out of his religion. As it turned out the couple broke up anyway, but I have no doubt he would have followed through despite me trying to logic with him. All you can do is calmly keep explaining and talking to them.

Thank you, well so I think I'm different from other people... behavioral issues I guess, are there any treatment plz? :(

Sorry we couldn't get back to you last week. If you recognize that you are having behavioral issues, that's a great first step and the hardest to take. A good therapist who utilizes cognitive behavioral therapy, aka CBT, can help you by defining your goals and then giving you strategies to achieve them. It won't come overnight, but with work you will become the person you would like to be.

this guy at my university who I have sex with regularly and our relationship is strickly sex only but whenever he drinks he tells me how much he likes me and then when we have sex after he makes love to me. Then he will act completely different around me but wants to have sex again idk how to feel

It sounds like there is more to your side of the relationship than just a friend with benefits. Your feelings are your feelings, and they usually just can't be turned on and off. You need to first define the relationship in your own head and then sit down with him and have a discussion. I certainly wouldn't believe anything he says when he's been drinking. Make sure you talk BEFORE you get hurt. It also sounds like you are crossing over from just sex to intimacy, but he may not be. That's why you are confused.

love having sex like I think about it all the time like it is literally always on my mind do I have an addiction to sex

First, it has to be stated that sex addiction is real. It's not something that's made up just to cover up bad behavior. That being said, there are many factors that go into deciding whether you have an addiction. As with any addiction, one of the first questions to ask is whether or not your actions regarding sex interfere in your life or the lives of those close to you. Has your behavior regarding sex caused any real problems for you. Sex is one of the strongest drives we have. When we look at brain scans, we can see the reward loop in the brain light up for most young people even with the mention of sex. Keep in mind that the objective of sex is to keep the species alive, and mother nature does everything in her power to keep us going. If you are really concerned about your behavior or whether you have an addiction, I would recommend contacting a therapist to explore the issue.

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How come guys can have several girlfriends but if a girl has more than one boyfriend she’s a slut?

Many things are changing, but this issue will probably change much more slowly. It stems from ancient times when men's status was based on how many wives they had. This is still one of the walls that has to be taken down regarding respect for women.

I’m really worried my brother will f-up our wedding cause he don’t like my bf. Should I just not invite him?

You and your bf need to sit down with your brother and have a serious discussion, IF you really want him at your wedding. He needs to understand that this is a day for the two of you and not about his feelings. If he's got something to say, he needs to say it in private with just the two of you. He also needs to be told that if he can't abide by your requests, he needs to be man enough to excuse himself from your wedding. It's your day. Have fun and enjoy every moment.

Are there any books on how to compromise on things for a wedding?

There are books that discuss who is responsible for what, but I don't think any book can tell you how to compromise on things about a wedding. The best suggestion would be to go to premarital therapy to work out ALL issues, not just those surrounding the wedding. Clear the issues BEFORE the wedding, not for years afterwards.

Is it right to have my boyfriend take a poly? I think he’s cheating but he won’t cop to it.

It sounds like the trust has already been broken. That's very difficult and generally takes years to mend. If your boyfriend is open to it and wants you to be more comfortable, then it's ok. If he refuses, don't automatically assume it's because he's lying. It could be because he is upset that you don't trust him. You two need some professional help to work this through.

Do people from different cultures really make better lovers?

Making love is an art form. Some cultures have taboos against certain forms of love, but other than that, it just depends on the individuals. As with any skill, some are better than others, and it's not limited to any particular culture. Some cultures are more open about discussing sex, so those people may have more knowledge to start with, but if you're a good student, you can catch up.

Me an my wife are good friends with another couple. We’ve all realized we would be better off switching spouses. How do we handle this without everyone freaking out?

As long as their aren't children involved, you are all adults and can do whatever you want. If the four of you have come to the conclusion that it sounds like you have, don't worry about other people. Of course, they will talk. Great, it gives them something to gossip about. When I was a teenager, there was an identical situation in our neighborhood. They were next door neighbors, and they all remained friends for years after the remarriages. Ok, it's a bit strange, but it's better than realizing a mistake and never correcting it.

I am a guy who has a boyfriend but my parents don’t know. How do I tell them?

Coming out is often very difficult. The best advice I can give you is to go to a local LGBT community organization and ask for help. You will meet many wonderful people who have been in exactly the same situation and will be willing to share their experiences. Your parents may have some difficulty at the beginning, but hopefully they will be supportive of you regardless. That's called unconditional love.

I’m dating the bff of an ex girlfriend. I don’t think there’s anything wrong but my ex tries to split us up all the time. How do I get her to stop???

As long as your new gf is good dating you, you don't need to do much of anything. It's between the two of them. Your ex is just jealous and is upset that you are happy and is upset that her bff is happy. Sounds like a bit of a princess having a tantrum to me. The two of you may have to communicate with her together if she goes beyond just classic junior high school moves. Other than that, ignore her. She'll more than likely make a fool of herself.

My 19 yo daughter wants to move home with her boyfriend. I told her no. Am I being unreasonable?

This smacks of entitlement. It's your house!! You really don't need to explain your reasoning to anyone. If you are not comfortable with her doing that, the only thing you have to say is, "NO." She may have plenty of reasons why you are wrong, but it really doesn't matter. It's your decision. You are only being unreasonable if YOU think you are.

My step dad doesn’t like my bf because he thinks I deserve better. My dad met him and thinks he’s ok. What do I do?

Assuming that your dad and stepdad aren't exactly best friends, this is certainly a good time to ask your mother for some support. Don't write off your stepdad. If he thinks you deserve better, he is really looking out for your best interest. Appreciate him for that. He may see things in this guy that your dad does not see. If you have a pretty good relationship, sit down with him, tell him you appreciate his concern, and ask him what it is about your bf that makes him uncomfortable or not a good match for you. If you can keep an open mind, you may just find out some interesting information.


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