Dr. Andrew

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Can you love two people at the same time?

You can love two people at the same time, but can you juggle two people at the same time? Probably not in the same way. It creates too many problems. Most people don't like to "share." Mostly we call that affairs, and we all know what those can do to a relationship.

Is it okay to tell my bf I was raped when I was 17? I don’t want him to think bad of me.

I'm much more concerned about you than about your bf. I hear shame in your question. You have not worked through the trauma caused by the rape. If your bf is a real man, he will support you and only think of you even more in positive ways. Please, please get help for yourself.

No matter what we try, our daughter in law excludes us. Anything you have found effective?

Unfortunately, all you can do is express your honest feelings. Your son should be speaking up, but maybe she put his testicles in the freezer. Examine your actions and behaviors to see if there is anything that is contributing. You have control over you, but not her. Hopefully, if your son was close to you growing up, he will begin to be closer, but sadly it often doesn't happen. There's a saying - A daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life, but a son is a son until he takes a wife.

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Are there really drugs that can make your sex better?

Unless there is something wrong with you, your libido (sex drive) should be able to handle everything quite well without the danger and side effects of drugs. There are those who say that taking a stimulant like ecstasy enhance sex, but there is nothing to confirm it. Love and sex are a very high priority for the brain, so no enhancement is necessary unless there is something wrong medically.

My wife has put on some pounds. How do I tell her she needs to drop a few without starting world war III?

I would approach it from a concern about her health and definitely not about the way she looks. There can be many reasons for her weight gain, and you don't want to make any assumptions. Be very loving and supportive. Tell her that you want both of you to live a long and healthy life together, and then see if she will sit down with you and work on nutrition and exercise.

How do I tell my bf I’m more interested in women? He’s been so sweet & I don’t want to hurt him.

You have to be honest with him. Whether you are experimenting with your sexual preferences or are definitely homosexual, you still need to follow your heart. If you are asking the question, then I would guess you are a caring, gentle person anyway. He will have a tough time, but he'll get over it. Back in the day before I was a psychologist and was coaching one of my football players had to deal with his girlfriend of two years telling him what you are about to tell your bf. He took it quite hard, but he survived.

How do I help a friend make better choices in his relationships? He picks losers.

It sounds like your friend is not really thinking through his choices. You are a good friend for caring. I would suggest trying our app, Love Shopping List, since it's free, and it's designed to help people make better choices about relationships. That way it will be the app that is telling him about people he is dating and not you. It might be easier for him to swallow that way. I had a helluva time telling one of my best friends about his relationship. He didn't listen and was divorced after not too long. He's married to a wonderful sweetheart now, and he can laugh about how stupid he was.

Is there a right way to break off a relationship?

There's a song called "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover." Basically, the more respectful and nice you can be, the better. That being said, no one likes to be rejected. It hurts. If you can, sit down with your soon-to-be ex, and have an honest conversation about why you are breaking up. It's still hard, and only some time distance will make a difference. Some people take a very long time to get over break-ups. I broke it off with a woman prior to meeting my wife. She held onto it for 20 years. I thought she was over it when she came out to California, but she unloaded on me, even though I took all the blame and even said I was not mature enough for her. There's another song called "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do." Yes, it is.

My mother asked my fiance’ why anyone would want to marry me because I’m “nuts.” He laughed and told her because he loved me. I’m so mad I want to uninvite her from our wedding. He says just to ignore it. Help!

Your man is trying to make this a non issue on your behalf. We have to give him a lot of credit for that. Obviously, there are issues between you and your mother that need to be resolved. I would let her know in no uncertain terms that she is being very hurtful, but I would not keep her from attending your wedding. Hopefully, your issues with her will be resolved at some point in the future, and you don't want to look back and wish you had her there.

I did your app on my boyfriend and he scored really low. He wanted to know his score so I showed him. He says it’s just some stupid game and doesn’t mean anything. Does it really work?

Love Shopping List was developed and is used in actual couple's therapy. We have emphasized that the app is not a substitute for professional help and that if you believe you have a serious relationship problem, you need to seek that help. That being said, you can ask anyone who has used it and has been serious about selecting characteristics. They will tell you it works.

My bf wants me to watch porn with him. He says it will make our sex life better & aint nothing wrong with it & its normal. Does it make sex better & is it normal?

Many couples use adult films to enhance their sex, which is why the adult film industry is so large. There is no such thing as "normal"when it comes to watching or not watching porn. It's up to you, and you definitely should not be pressured into doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable. He needs to show you much more respect, and you need to demand much more respect.

What are the most common traits people look for in a relationship? You must have a good idea from your app.

Many people include such characteristics such as honesty and loyalty, but list really vary. This is why it's so important to create your own personalized list and not be dependent on a friend's list. Since Love Shopping List is free, there is no reason not to create your own list. As much as one might think that most people want the same thing, it really varies. Keep in mind that people of all ages, cultures, political affiliations, and religions use the app, so their needs are different.

My bf is a great guy but comes from a poor family. He’s working really hard. I come from a lot of money. I tell him I will pay when we go out (I’m perfectly ok with that), but he says he should be paying. How can I make him understand I love him for who he is not what he has?

It's very difficult for many men to accept that they can not provide for the love of their life in a traditional manner. Keep telling him that you love him for who he is and not for how much money he has or what he can buy for you. Especially in cultures that are patriarchal (male), men feel impotent, and it affects their self-esteem. Kudos to you for being a wonderfully supportive women!

I’m gay. My bf just told his family and now they are blaming me for him being gay. Would talking to my parents help?

From your question it sounds like your parents have accepted you for who you are. Yes, absolutely discussing this with your parents is a good idea. They can give you the parents' perspective on having a gay child. Your bf needs to set up a meeting with his parents so they understand your commitment to each other. Often, it is very difficult for parents to accept because they believe they the future will not be what they had expected.

I’m tired of hearing I sound just like my mother from my husband. I told him to stop but he doesn’t listen. What should I say that would work?

First let me say that my advice does NOT mean you are to blame. This seems to be a matter of communication, and I always point out that the burden of communication is on the person doing the communicating. I've said before that I believe in "I"statements. When you ... It makes me feel... I need you to ... It is very specific and communicates exactly what you want. You can also choose not to react. He probably believes that he can distract you from a logical point by saying something that has an emotional effect. Don't take the bait.

Me & my gf been together for about 6 months. She started getting strange about 2 months ago. I found a stash of oxy when I went to get some ziplocs in the kitchen. How do I help her?

From your description your gf is an addict and unfortunately with a really dangerous drug. You can try talking with her, but you need help. I would suggest Alanon so that you have a support system that is familiar with the problem. It is very hard to watch someone you love to begin to destroy herself, but you have to let her get to a point that she recognizes she needs help. Hopefully, this happens before it's too late.

I’m so frustrated I could scream. My husband wants me to change therapists because he says I am manipulating him, but doesn’t like anybody that sides with me. What do I do?

Your husband is a control freak. He is more interested in being right than resolving any conflicts in your relationship. My guess is that he has you convinced that there is nothing you can do and that you must do exactly as he says. You need to know that you still have the strength and power to do what you need for yoursellf. He probably also tries to control you control you with money. This will get worse unless you do something about it. If you like your therapist, stay with her/him and discuss this issue. I'm sure he's also cut you off from your support system like family and friends.

I really want to be with this girl but ive domy her wrong already do u think rhers s chance

You don't say exactly what you have done wrong. There is always a chance, but some "violations"are much more difficult to overcome. You might try starting with a sincere apology. If this is a repeat behavior on your part, you are going to have a much more difficult time.You also should figure out why you acted in the way you did. Otherwise you will most likely repeat.

There's this girl I really like but shes.starting to become more interested in girls what should i do to get her interested in me

If this girl is rally interested in other girls romantically, you are out. She may be homosexual, or she may be experimenting with her sexuality. Either way, you have to respect her wishes and desires as a person, regardless of your wishes and desires.

What are some good ways I can ask this girl to homecoming

For guys one of the hardest parts of beginning to date is how to ask a girl out because no one likes to be rejected. But rejections are always a possibility. I think a direct but respectful approach is the best. "I'd really like to take you to homecoming." And then you have to wait for a response. It's not a direct question, so it avoids the all out "no" if that's going to happen. You could do it with a really nice card (put it in a pastel envelope). By all means avoid a text that says, "Hey, u wanna do homecoming with me?" Not classy. Keep in mind that by the nature of homecoming, there has to be some class in the invitation.

How do I save my comparisons in the Love Shopping List app? I also want to suggest features to you.

The premium version of our app will allow you to do both. It's a one time fee of $4.99. When you click on Save after you have done your comparison, it will ask you to register. That's the place to get this done.

I think my girlfriend is after my boyfriend. She wears revealing clothing around him and likes to get close to him. How should I tell her to back off?

You need to be straight forward with her. Tell her you have noticed her behavior around your bf and you are not comfortable with it. Of course, she will probably turn it around and tell you that you are the problem and you are paranoid. That's okay. You have put her on notice. If she really is a good friend, she'll get it. If that doesn't work, consider switching girlfriends.

My bf really likes my boobs. I just found a lump in my breast and it freaks me out when he touches me. I don’t know how to tell him.

You need to be honest with him. The idea of a lump in a breast is terrifying for all women. If he finds out later that his touch was making you feel horrible, he would be devastated. This is breast cancer awareness month. It's a great time for both of you to get more information on the subject and to share the information as a couple.

I am recently divorced after 14 years of marriage. What’s the best way to avoid making the same mistakes?

One of the surprises for us when we began doing beta testing on our app, Love Shopping List, was the number of divorced people who were interested. It was for exactly the reason you are asking the question. They wanted to avoid making another mistake. The best way to do that is to clearly identify what you need in a relationship and to prioritize those needs. That is exactly what our app does. It's a tool to assist you in defining your relationship needs.


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