Dr. Andrew

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Are there anyways to tell if someone is cheating on you? It’s driving me nuts.

Unless you have concrete evidence, the answer is "no." If you are that concerned, you could hire a private investigator. You have to ask yourself why you are so suspicious. Are you being paranoid, or has something tickled your antennae?

We have 16 year old twins, one boy one girl. My husband has different rules for the girl about dating. She is fuming. Her brother totally supports her and says it’s wrong that we treat them differently. Have others faced this?

As very wrong as it is, the incidence of sexual assaults against females is MUCH higher than against males. The fact that they are twins is irrelevant here. In general, parents are more protective of daughters than of sons because statistically speaking, your daughter is at much greater risk. Show them both the statistics. It will be hard for them to accept, but once they see the numbers, it may help. Have an honest open discussion about dating, sex, and relationships.

How do we explain to our 9 year old what a transgender is? He has heard the term and has asked us. Very confusing to him.

The best source of information to answer this question is the LGBT community. They will have people who have been in the same position you are and can guide you. It's a delicate subject since the topic of gender, other than what kids can actually see, is still confusing. Listen to several people, and take from each what you are comfortable telling your child. You know him better than anyone.

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My bf’s uncle died unexpectedly. I don’t know how to help him. He was very close to him.

Really very simple. You don't need to say anything. Just be there for him. That's really all you need to do to show your support.

How do people getting married of different religions handle raising kids?

There are several different ways depending on what was discussed prior to kids (you did discuss this, didn't you?). Some couples will expose the children to both religions, and both parents will attend both religious institutions. Sometimes the parents will agree to just having the kids be a part of one religion without one parent converting, while other times one parent may convert. It just all depends on what is agreed upon.

My bf borrowed some pretty big money from me a year ago. We get along perfectly except he has not paid a cent back yet. It’s starting to irritate me a lot. I don’t know what to say. Could you give me some suggestions please?

You need to ask directly. You can explain that it's been a year, and you are "concerned." Ask him what his timeline is to pay you back. If he doesn't have one, then you need to establish one. You need to be assertive and not let him get away with "I don't know."

My gf showed some pretty sensitive texts between us to some of her friends. The texts were supposed to be private. They aren’t porn or anything, just a lot of emotional stuff. I am beyond mad and I’ve told her. My friends have told me to cut her lose. Is that the way to go?

Let's look at the positive. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she was so impressed by your sensitivity that she wanted to share it. Not necessarily a spectacular idea, but maybe consider her motivation. Simply explain that in the future you would appreciate just keeping deep feelings between the two of you. Anger is not the solution.

Me and this guy met online. He had a pic that was about 10 yrs old. He looks older now. I don’t know if I can trust him. He said he just never got around to updating it. ???

Yes, people put pics up that aren't what they look like now. If that's the only thing, I wouldn't worry about it. If he's honest about all the other qualities you are looking for, see what shakes out.

I’m married and 6 years older than my baby bro. He is 17. He wants to sleep over with is gf. I know my parents wouldn’t let him do this at their place. What do I do?

I can't tell you what's right and wrong for you. I'm guessing you feel you would be disrespecting you parents if you allowed your bro and gf to sleep over, and then you would feel guilty. You have to look within. Personally, I think he is being disrespectful to you and your parents by putting you in the middle.

My bf got mad at me and took off on his bike. He got in an accident. I can’t stop crying and blaming myself. I think he’ll be ok but IDK. His parents are mad at me too. Can you offer some advice?

You (and his parents) are beating yourself up when it's not your fault at all. Just because you had an argument, and he went and did something stupid like riding angry, does not mean you are to blame. People have no business riding or driving when they are not in emotional control. His parents are looking to blame you because they feel helpless. My guess is, and I know you are not going to like hearing this, you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, and he has convinced you that everything is your fault. You need professional help.

What’s a post nup? This doesn’t sound right.

It's a relative new thing, but it's right. Some couples feel they don't want anything to get in the way of a marriage by doing a prenup but feel it would be wise to set some rules after getting married. In simplest terms, it's basically the same as a prenup but after the wedding.

Me and my gf are pretty open at school about being lesbians. Most everyone accepts it but there’s this girl who posts nasty shit about it. We’ve tried talking to a counselor but nothing stops her. Is there something we can do legally?

I would contact a local LGBT organization and explain the situation. You are not the first people not to have the proper support of school personnel. The organization will give you strategies and also help with getting the school to fall in line.

My girlfriend and me are pretty open about being religious and not having sex until we are married. What do we do about the other students who make fun of us? I think they are jerks but it still bothers us.

Sometimes others make it hard for others to do the thing they find right. Just have the courage of your convictions and do what you feel is the right thing for you. It sounds like you don't judge others. Too bad they don't do the same with you.

I know this is crazy but my bf spends more time playing with his dog than hanging out with me. I know it sounds so petty to be jealous of a dog. I’m not. It’s just about the time spent. He says I’m being stupid. BTW, I like the dog too. Now what?

Very simple. If you both like the dog, play with it together. Your other option is to find another boyfriend.

There’s this teacher I really like. I’m 18 so I don’t get why it’s bad for us to go out. He’s not married or anything. Could he really lose his license?

Let's answer your question first. Yes, even though you are 18, he could lose his teaching credential ... and should. He is a teacher, a person in an authority position. Regardless of your feelings, he is supposed to be the professional and have very clear boundaries. If you were to go out with him, he would not be able to remain objective about teaching you, which is his job.

Me and my gf’s father got in a huge argument over politics. He is forbidding her to date me now. Any ideas would be helpful. I’m not changing my vote.

You absolutely should not change what you believe in. Hopefully, you were respectful in presenting your ideas even if he was not. You really can't do anything if he forbids her, though I doubt she will follow what he says. He is being an authoritarian parent, and that's not good. At least you got a preview of what the future could look like.

Two of my friends told me I’ve been a jerk to my bf. I told them it’s none of their business but now they won’t talk to me. Should I apologize even though I don’t think I did anything wrong?

If your friends are telling you that you've been a jerk, listen to them. They are looking out for you. Stop being defensive and listen. And, yes, you should apologize to them, but more importantly to your girlfriend.

Me and my stepdad do a lot of stuff together. My gf says I don’t spend enough time with her. My stepdad told me I should spend time with her and that would be ok. I don’t want to give up my relationship with him but I don’t know what to do.

You don't have to give up your relationship with him. He is giving you good advice. It just requires some rebalancing of time. Keep your gf happy and everyone will be happy.

Is there ever an easy way to break up?

In 1962 a singer by the name of Neil Sedaka recorded "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do." Sorry to tell you, but unless you are Mr. Spock from Star Trek, a Vulcan with no emotions, there is no easy way to break up.

My gf recently decided to switch back to guys. I am devastated and crying all the time. I don’t understand why.

Gender or sexual preference, gay or straight, is not the real issue. The real issue is that you lost a close relationship. That's what hurts. You are thinking that it's about her switching back. Since you don't have those feelings, it's a mystery to you. You are not different than anyone who has been dumped. You should do your grieving and move on.

My aunt and uncle got divorced. Now he’s out hustling every female around including some that I know. My aunt is being a cougar. I feel like hiding. My friends just laugh. Do you have any advice? I’m really embarrassed.

There's really not a lot you can do. If comments are made, you certainly can express that you think they are acting like junior high school kids. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Just shake your head and smile along with everyone else.

I caught my bf and my bff passed out in bed together at a party but with clothes on. They both swear nothing happened but I am pissed. I don’t know what to believe. I feel like I can’t trust either of them anymore. Am I being too judgmental?

They both exercised poor judgement with the amount of alcohol (or drugs) they consumed. Both tend to remove the "stop signs" that exist in our minds. Then there is nothing to inhibit our actions. They at least had their clothes on, so it may be plausible that they really did pass out. Unless you hear otherwise, voice your displeasure with both of them, stay a bit guarded, but keep going forward. Of course, if there is a repeat, all bets are OFF.

My gf has put on like 25 pounds. I’m not judging but others are. They keep asking me what’s happening to her. I don’t know what to say.

One of the things you may want to say is that you appreciate their concern and they might want to ask her directly. They probably won't, but this takes you out of the middle. Another idea would be to let her know that she is beautiful to you just the way she is but others are asking if she's okay. Ask her how she would like you to respond. This is a very delicate area, so be supportive.

It doesn’t seem fair that my brother got to date when he was 16 and I can’t just because I’m a female. I’ve never done anything to break my parents’ trust so why are the being so strict? I would like a chance to prove to them I can be trusted.

I know many of the females in the audience are not going to like what I'm going to say, but -- news flash -- girls get attacked much more often than guys. It's not that your parents don't trust you as much as they don't trust others. Sure, they may be overprotective, but it's because they care. I seriously don't think the situation is ever going to change.

My bf keeps telling me that my issues with him are “petty.” That really pisses me off. I’m not a drama mama but he’s making me think so. Shouldn’t he be listening to me and not judge? I still really like him though.

Ouch!! Your bf needs a slap upside his head. He is dismissing your feelings. If they are issues for you, he should at least listen. Possibly in his defense, you have to ask yourself if, in fact, you do overreact. It's hard for people to listen if there are alway little petty things that come up over and over, but it should be talked out. No put downs.


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