Dr. Andrew

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Last week my teacher told me she's going to talk to me, she sounded very serious. I don't know what I did. Should I be nervous?

Nothing to be nervous about until you know something. I always try not to react to something until I have all the facts. It's called "evidence-based decision making". Just go about your business as usual.

It really gets on my nerve when ppl tell me what to do about MY relationship. I mean, I'm the one who got myself into this so I'll make my own decisions. Saying we're 'too young' doesn't change anything. - I do not mean to be rude. I never say this to their faces. Just need to let it out.

Like you, I have a lot of trouble when people try to project their own relationship issues onto others. Sometimes older people say things like, "You really don't know what love is." That's total B.S. There are different kinds of love at different ages and stages. One of the reasons we developed our app, Love Shopping List, is to empower people to make the best decisions they can for THEMSELVES!!

Everytime me and my bf would go out either it's just the two of us or by group. My teacher would some how find out and she'll talk to us saying stuff that sometimes can be mean I want to tell her that we aren't doing anything wrong and it's none of her business but I don't want to disrespect.

Your teacher has no business monitoring you unless it's in the classroom. You should report your teacher to a counselor. Your parents should write a letter to the school and demand a meeting. Something is not right. Why is she snooping on you? She's not the social police. It needs to stop ASAP!!

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Me and my bf are 18. We want to go away for a weekend. My parents are having a shit fit. We’ve been going together for year. I don’t want to disrespect them, but we are NOT cancelling our reservations. Any ideas how to handle?

Your parents have not accepted that you are an adult and capable of making adult decisions. Depending on the family’s religious background, they may think you are breaking a taboo. In any event try calmly (hard when they are yelling) sitting with them and asking them to please respect the decisions you are making. Tell them you appreciate their love and concern. They just may come around.

I know my grandpa has dementia but he keeps saying crap about my gf when we go to visit him in the home. My gf is trying to be understanding but he’s kinda brutal. I don’t know what to do. She wants to be supportive of me.

Be a bit protective of her. Thank her for being supportive, but explain that it’s probably best if you go alone so that she isn’t exposed to the insults. Unfortunately, what your describing is not uncommon. Many people with dementia become verbally (and sometimes physically) abusive to those around them including caregivers and family. She’ll appreciate you being protective of her.

My bf is trying to get into the sherifs. His psych report says he has anger issues. We’ve been going together for more than 2 years, and I’ve never even heard him raise his voice. Should I be worried?

You should discuss the findings with him since he’s shared them with you. The tests used to screen for law enforcement have been proven valid over a lot of years, but they are not 100% always on target. There are people who get into law enforcement and pass the tests but flip out. I would ask about his past. You have 2 years of experience, so I would tend to give that more weight.

Why does my gf always have to win the argument. Even when I prove she’s wrong she’ll never admit it. I don’t get it.

You have a preview of what your relationship will look like down the road. If your relationship is to continue, you both should see a professional to help you. Either she does not recognize what she is doing, or she recognizes it but doesn’t give a damn. Neither is a good sign. When people start keeping score in a relationship, there are no winners.

My aunt and uncle want to throw us an engagement party. Here’s the problem. My mother (she has problems!!) doesn’t want them to do that. I love my aunt and uncle and we are very appreciative. Is there a delicate way to handle this?

Don’t let your mother’s issues ruin the day. Tell your mother that you understand her concerns but that the two of you have decided to accept the generous gesture of your aunt and uncle and hope that she would respect that. Don’t let her tantrums stop you from doing what you want to do.

Me and my classmates have been trying to set our history teacher up with our chem teacher. We all think they’d make a great couple. They are both very shy so we kinda act like mini matchmakers. Can you think of a way to get them together?

Nice thoughts, but they are both adults. You could actually be creating a lot of difficulty and awkwardness for both of them. As a group just mention that you think the other is a really nice person, and leave it at that. There may be things you are not aware of behind the scenes, so, as nice as you all are trying to be, you may be creating problems for them.

We are two men married to each other who adopted a little guy when he was born. He’s six now. He is super. Other kids at school are starting to make fun of him. We don’t want to overreact but need to know what we should do so that our son doesn’t feel awkward.

You need to immediately go to the school counselor and explain the situation before it gets worse and out of hand. You son is being harassed, and that is illegal. Put everything in writing. Don’t leave the meeting until you are given a concrete plan on how the school plans to address the issue. Give the school the benefit of the doubt that they may not have known. You have informed them, so the ball is in their court now.

I was at this party last weekend and saw some girl who is SUPPOSED to be going with one of my good buds. She was all over this other guy. Do you think it’s right for me to tell my friend? I don’t want to get in the middle but I also don’t want him to get hurt.

Very simply, friends protect friends. Explain that you don’t want to be a gossip, but this is what you saw. Your obligation is to give him the information, not to tell him what to do. You are right not to get in the middle. She may confront you if he confronts her. No worries. Just look at her and tell her that you protect your friends. Then walk away.

My gf just told me she’s “non binary”. WTF does that mean? Should I break up?

It just means she does not want to be identified as either male or female.

I’m almost 18. My mom insists that I text her to let her know I’m ok whenever I go out on a date. We have a great relationship and I know she trusts me. Why would she be doing this? I haven’t talked to her yet and wanted some ideas.

It sounds like she's just simply worried about you. The fact that you have such a good relationship means she doesn't want to lose a close person. Here are some suggestions. work out some flexible times that you will text her. That way YOU are calling and not having her keep texting you. She'll get over it as you get older.

My aunt is in a rehab. She’s my favorite aunt. This came out of nowhere for me. Now I’m worried about my mother. How can I find out if there’s anything going on? It’s affecting my relationship with my bf.

Why are you suspicious of your mother? Have there been incidents in which you've seen her messed up? Just because it's her sister does not mean it's her, but on the other hand were they drinking or drugging together? Keep your eyes and ears open. Sometimes things are right in front of us, and we don't see them. The experience with your aunt has opened your eyes.

I’m 40. I’m dating this really great woman who is 26. We’re both getting shit from our friends about the age difference. Is that really too big a gap?

Not really at that age. If it works, it works. We have good friends who have about that age difference, and everything is just fine. Stop listening to those friends and just enjoy each other. Time will tell.

Me and my gf both have siblings who are developmentally challenged. We are worried that if we should get married and try to have kids they would be at risk. Are we at greater risk than any other couple?

Unfortunately, the simple answer is yes, you would be at greater risk IF the problems are genetic. If they are a result of some trauma like cerebral palsy, a problem in delivery at birth, or a virus, then, no, there would not be a risk. You should ask your parents about your siblings to help you make informed decisions.

Me and my bf both did your Love Shopping List app. Here’s the problem. He scored me really high but I scored him really low. Now what? We thought we were ok. He’s freaked out.

I've had a number of couples that have done that. Keep in mind in many cases it highlights the potential problems and allows people to work on them. Use it as a tool, not an absolute. Clearly, he's not meeting your needs right now, and that needs to be addressed if the relationship is to grow.

My bf had to do some psych test for trying to get into the sherif’s department. Holy crap!! He shared the result with me! He’s never been anything but great but the results said he has some real problems. I am freaked out. What do I do now?

If he has shared it with you, then you need to process the information and get some help. You need professional help to process all this information. Keep in mind that those tests are quite reliable.

A good friend of ours is recently divorced. She thinks all of our circle should set her up on some dates. (There’s a group of 4 couples). Do you think that’s a good idea?

I think IF the opportunity arises, it might be something to do. That being said, she sounds too needy and desperate to be set up now. She may fear being left out of your social circle. I would be very careful because if something goes wrong, she will blame all of you.

I’ve heard that you can tell how a guy will treat you by how he treats his mother. Is that true?

There is certainly a lot of truth to that. It's not true in all cases, but it's true in enough cases to pay close attention. Many males get there cues on how to treat females from how their dads treat their moms, so they do the same things and "practice" on their moms. If you have the opportunity, watch how both your bf and his dad treat his mom.

Me and this other girl like the same guy at school. She’s gone all slutty just to win him over. Is there anything I can do because I’m not doing that?

If all she needed to do to get him was to act "slutty", then he is definitely NOT someone you should be seriously interested in. Please have enough self respect not to resort to that. By the way, ultimately her reputation will take her down. This is not something in which you want to compete. She's the winner and loser all at the same time.

I got trolled on Twitter because of something stupid I said. Now I can’t get rid of it. I don’t know what to do.

One of the things I try to tell all my patients is that whatever you put online exists FOREVER. All you can do is let time go by. There's very little you can do even after you took down your tweet (I'll assume you at least did that). If you want to invest the time and money, there are reputation repair companies that may be able to help.

Me an my bf were sleeping over my Grandparents’ house (we’re both 25). My mother had a fit and said I’m not allowed to do that anymore and got mad at my Grandma. Am I wrong, or is it none of her business?

You are both 25. You are adults!! She has no business telling you what you are allowed to do unless you are in a culture that says those are the rules. Obviously, there are issues between your mother and your grandparents that probably go way back maybe even to before you were born. Family therapy would certainly be called for.

I’m really worried about my gf. She’s become this religious nutcase. All of a sudden we can’t even dance. I don’t know what to do. I love her, but I’m not going down that path.

Your gf may have fallen victim to a religious cult. It's much more common than many people realize. You need to notify the people with whom she is close such as her parents, siblings, etc. They need to get her help. In the meantime, you need to protect yourself and, as you say, not go down that path. She needs help.

I fell in love with my boss. She’s not married and we’re the same age. The company has a policy not to do this but we don’t know what to do so we’ve been just keeping it a secret. Any creative ideas.

You are both risking your jobs, and you have to ask if it's worth it. Relationship "secrets" often don't remain secret that long. Also consider that if you are caught and are let go for violating company policy, what will you tell your next prospective employer ... who, by the way, will probably check with you current company? The only "creative" thing I can think of is a couple that had the same company policy but when asked if a husband and wife could work at the company, were told yes. So... They got married.


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