Dr. Andrew

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I've known a guy for three years and have liked him since we met. He broke up with his girlfriend of a year & a half and wants to date. I don't think I have feelings anymore and don't know what to do. He's really depressed. I don't want home going back to his ex because he wasn't happy with her.

You have to go with what you feel. If you don't have feelings, you would only be doing charity work, and that would not work out well. He's a big boy and is going to have to figure this out. It is not your responsibility to try to make him happy by sacrificing yourself. You can be a sympathetic ear, but that's as far as it should go.

Can drugs really make sex better?

Depends on what "better" means. Some people are more relaxed with some drugs, and that means they might have had some performance anxiety before that interfered with their sexual performance. It's really an individual thing. For most people if you get drugged up, you become somewhat numb to the experience, but it really depends on what you are taking.

My son recently came to me to ask my opinion about his girlfriend because it’s getting serious. I really don’t think she’s a good match for him, but do I tell him my honest feelings? I’m worried it will push him toward her.

The best thing you can do for your son is to help him examine his own feelings. You have to let him know that you have confidence in whatever choice he makes. You may feel she is not right for him, but you may be coming from a place of trying to protect him. My late mother-in-law used to say, "You are the best judge of what is good for you." Let him know you want to support whatever he would like to do, and then listen.
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I’m a female and I like females. I have feelings for two different women but I can’t decide what to do.

Your situation is no different than anyone wanting to be in a relationship. The fact that it's the same gender is really irrelevant. You need to establish what you really want in a relationship and which women best fulfills your list. As I've mentioned before, our app, Love Shopping List (Apple App Store for free) will help you do exactly that. You can't really decide on what to do until you decide what you really want.

My parents are divorced probably because my dad was such an asshole. I’m getting married & I don’t want to invite him to the wedding. My mother, of all people, thinks I should invite him because he’s still my father. He will DEFINITELY not be walking me down the isle but should I still invite him?

Nobody has walked in your shoes, and so nobody is in a position to know exactly why you have such strong feelings. Talk to your mother and find out why she thinks you should invite him. Her responses may surprise you. You are carrying around a lot of anger. The best advice I can give you is that you need some professional help letting go of the anger. That doesn't mean either inviting him or not. It just means you should not hold any anger on the day of your wedding or going forward. It's too destructive.

My cousin just came out to me but asked me to keep it a secret. How can I be supportive if I’m not supposed to say anything?

You are going to have to ask your cousin that exact question. Explain that you want to be supportive, but you are not sure how to do that since your cousin does not want you to breach confidentiality. Your cousin may tell you that she/he just wants you to be an ear and not a mouth. If that's the case, just know your cousin trusts you very much.

I’ve got a great relationship going with this girl online. We’ve been communicating for almost a year. My parents say I’m being foolish. I turn 18 next month so I can do what I want but I’m not sure what to do.

You most certainly have to be careful when a relationship has only existed online, but your parents' generation is not familiar with online relationships and dating. You should proceed with caution and maybe even utilize one of the sites that can check her out to see that all is legit. Just go slowly to make sure you aren't being taken for a ride. I've worked with a number of parents who are concerned about their children with online dating and relationships. As long as you check things out, you should be good to go. You might even think about letting them in on the information you get from your search so that they feel more comfortable. They are just trying to look out for you so you don't get hurt.
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My parents are from a traditional Mideastern country. They don’t like this guy that I started going out with. I’m confused about what I’m supposed to do. What do other people do who are like me?

You are caught in a cross cultural whirlwind. It's tough. There is not any hard and fast rule on what to do. Some of the other people in similar situations are willing to go up against their families while for others it's not worth the battles and risk of being excommunicated from the family. You can certainly try having your family meet him and get to know him. Sometimes that works, and sometimes it doesn't. One of our own cousins was cut off by his parents because of a similar situation. He decided he wanted to marry the woman anyway. After several years of foolishness, the parents (yes, our cousins, too) realized they had made a big mistake and accepted her into the family. Hope it works out well for you.

Me and this guy have been best friends since kindergarten. Now he’s coming on to me. I have feelings for him too but I don’t want to lose him as a best friend. Should I just keep it as friends?

For some reason some people think that you can not be romantically involved and be best friends at the same time. Your life partner SHOULD be your best friend. Just take one day at a time and don't try to overthink the situation. This is one case where you should let your heart lead the way instead of your brain. The most successful relationships are those that start out as really good friendships.

I heard through the grapevine that my bf is going to propose to me. I think the person that told me is jealous and tried to ruin my surprise and I’m really pissed. What do I do? Do I tell my bf?

You have every right to be upset, and, yes, it's probably out of jealousy. You are going to have to decide if it's more important for you to expose the asshole that ruined the surprise, or is it more important that you make your bf feel like he has pulled off a wonderfully romantic event. I can't make that decision for you. Just enjoy the moment, and don't think about it too much. Let us know how your bf pulled it off. That's always great to hear.

My husband and I just found out that my girlfriend’s husband is cheating on her. We really don’t want to have anything to do with them as a couple. Do I tell my girlfriend why?

First, you have to make absolutely sure that your source is reliable and that the information is 100% true. I've worked with too many patients that responded to a rumor rather than something factual. If it is true, then you owe it to your girlfriend to be truthful. After all, she did not do anything wrong and deserves an explanation as to why the two of you no longer want to do couples activities. I always ask patients that if they were in a similar situation as your girlfriend, would they want to know and not be the last to find out. Hopefully, your actions will help your girlfriend get help and resolve her situation ... one way or another. Your job is just to be a supportive friend.

my spouse told her father,who helps supervise a project,that she is the sole owner of the money we bn giving to him for the project.what do one to about this?

You are going to have to ask your spouse. Before jumping to any conclusions, find out why she told him what she did. There may be a legitimate reason. Of course, she should have discussed the situation with you first, but you need to do some detective work first. You absolutely need to know, because it may also be that you are being set up for something. Stay calm, and don't panic. Just handle it as an investigation not an execution.

@jeffray2010: @AppPowerGroup @hughhefner I'm 50 & still looking for the only girl of my dreams but... gentlemen are no longer what women are looking for!!

It all depends where you are looking and what you are looking for. Many women your age to whom I have spoken are upset that there aren't more men out there who are interested in a relationship as opposed to just a friend with benefits. There are still plenty of classy women who would love to be with a gentleman. You are just going to have to find out where they are. In the end it will be worthwhile. You need to drop the stereotype label that you are using to describe "all" women. That's a negative mindset and will only lead up a dead end.

@mikeysmaccas: @AppPowerGroup my soulmates are all band members, singers or fictional characters that don't know i exist . help

The best suggestion I can make is that you seek professional help. If you are living your life through a fantasy, you need assistance to become more grounded. When people live their lives through someone else, they are dependent on the other people for their happiness, which is not healthy. Admiration is one thing, but it can become dangerous when it goes past that.

I recently found out that my bio mother was a coke freak. I’m really scared. Does this mean I have a higher chance of doing the same thing? My bf is totally supportive and says there is no link, but I’ve read there is.

It's wonderful of your bf to try to ease your fears, but the reality is that you are at much greater risk than someone whose parent has not gone through addiction. Please know that this is NOT automatic. It just means you are going to have to be aware of how you handle stress and what your coping mechanisms are.

After being divorced for a year I started going out again. There are two guys who are wonderful. I don’t like the idea of more than one, but I can’t choose who is best. I don’t want to make another mistake. Any suggestions?

Most people who have been either divorced or in a long term relationship that didn't work out fear the same thing. They don't want to make the same mistake. Some do. The way to avoid this is to carefully define what you really want in a relationship. You can do this on your own or you can use our app, Love Shopping List, to help you decide. That's exactly why we made it. AND it will even give you an actual score. It's free in the Apple app store, so give it a try. The results may surprise you.

My bf is a semi pro athlete and is on the road a lot. I am always hearing about what happens when guys are on the road. He has never done anything for me to feel jealous, but I stay up nights and always text him. Is there someway for me to get past this?

Because I do a lot of sports psychology, this is a similar question to what I have heard many times. Unfortunately, much of what you have heard about athletes on the road is true, but it is not true for all of them. You don't want to come across as the jealous gf. That will most definitely have you coming across as a needy person. BTW, he doesn't have to be an athlete. People at work, even when travel is not involve, face similar circumstances. You may need to see a therapist to help deal with the roots of your feelings. It wouldn't be a bad idea, and you would probably feel a lot better.

I just found out my bf has a huge trust fund. Now I have doubts about why he’s with me if he could have anybody. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but it’s really intimidating. His parents seem really cool and I would have never guessed. How do I get past these feelings?

From the way your question is worded, you sound quite insecure about yourself. You said it best. He could have anyone. But he chose you. Just show appreciation both the him and to his parents when you are with them. I really like the part of your question about you never having guessed about his parents. No one in the family flaunts money. That's probably why you get along. He wanted you to like him for him, not for his money. Just smile and enjoy.

How do I get my boyfriend to dress better? He’s everything I ever wanted except for that. I’ve tried explaining that “clothes make the man” but he just says that’s an old idea.

If you come across as trying to control him, you are probably not going to change his behavior. Try compromising and letting him be comfortable with his choice of clothes. Unless it's a social affair that might require a certain standard of dress, there are ways to keep individuality but still look good. No one likes to see a guy show up to a formal affair dressed inappropriately. It make everyone feel uncomfortable. Try surprising him by taking him to a men's clothier as a gift for an occasion. Maybe hearing from a professional and seeing how good he looks will have him more interested.

My gf wants to move in with me. We talked and she thinks she should not have to split the rent since its my apartment. Am I right to say if we live together we should split costs?

On one hand she has a point. You are paying for your place anyway. HOWEVER, the respectful and courteous thing to do is to offer to pay. This could be a picture of what your future will be looking like. Unless you are independently wealthy (and even then), a true couple is a partnership. If she doesn't want to split the rent, she can make that up by paying for other things like food, utilities, etc. since those will be increasing with two instead of one. My fear is the "E" word. Entitlement. Proceed with caution.

Me and my bf are both type A’a. Help!!

I have to laugh because in a similar comparison my wife and I are both Leo's, and anyone who follows astrology, knows what that means. They usually just smile and shake their heads. If you can learn to tolerate each other, enjoy the ride. It can be thrilling, but it can also destroy the relationship. It all depends on how the two of you handle things. You have to set some ground rules. You have to agree to disagree in certain circumstances in order for it to work. You have to follow Kenny Rogers' advice -- "Know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em, when to walk away and when to run." If you can do that, you'll make it.

Is it really true that certain people are matched better brain wise?

Interestingly enough, the simple answer is yes. Researchers have found that different brains have different chemistry. We all have neurotransmitters in our brain, but certain people have more of one or another. Using high sophisticated imaging, researchers can see various areas of the brain becoming more or less active when certain images, sounds, smells, etc. are introduced. In real life this causes us to behave in a certain way. Just like with are or music, people have preferences for behaviors, which, in turn, will drive their decisions about the other person. So, in the future will people just be matched by machines? Naw, they still have to factor in that intangible element -- LOVE!

My girlfriend’s parents are divorced. They are both trying to control our engagement and wedding. My gf doesn’t know what to do. Do I put my foot down on her behalf?

That's really an issue between you and your gf. Unfortunately, this scenario may be a picture of what the future looks like for you. Assuming they are paying for their daughter's wedding, they are trying to control everything. Interestingly, this may be more about them than it is about the two of you. They may be locked in a battle to control their daughter. This would not be the first time divorced parents use a child as a pawn. My suggestion is that you not interfere unless you are asked to do so. That way you can't be blamed for anything. And if you do approach them, make sure it's the two of you together.

My bf has everything I like except he’s a spender. I’ve tried to talk to him, but he just says its a phase. Do you think this is a make it or break it issue?

I don't like making assumptions, but for this answer I will assume you are a female. Generally speaking, when people have asked me about our Love Shopping List app and if there are common choices of characteristics, I tell them the answers are alway varied. The one exception is that most females have financial security very high on their lists. There are always discussions of the historic and prehistoric roots of the reasons, but the choice is still there. The real answer to your question is whether or not this is a make it or break it issue to you. It sounds like it will certainly be high on your list.

I'm thinking of going to a BDSM establishment here in Los Angeles (The Dominion). They have a very thorough website and they seem like true pros, but is there anything I should be concerned about? Being a 1st timer I don't know what 2 expect, also can these businesses be trusted or are they shady???

Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism are all forms of erotica. While some people are very turned off by just the idea of these practices, some people are very turned on by them. Especially since you are a self-proclaimed "1st timer," I would strongly suggest you do some more research if you really have your mind set on doing this. The experience has the potential to be quite traumatic. If you are a consenting adult (and most legit establishments will check), you are free to engage in whatever sexual practices and fantasies you wish. That does not remove the possibility of having a problem. When you ask if the businesses can be trusted, remember that there are no licenses or accredited institutions to insure some type of training. Proceed with caution. Caveat Emptor -Buyer Beware.


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