Dr. Andrew

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Me and my girlfriend are going to go to different colleges next year. We’ve kind of talked about breaking up and we’ve also talked about staying together. We don’t know what to do. What do other bf-gf couples in high school do when it’s time to go to college?

College is a time to explore. As hard as it is, I have found that the vast majority of the time it's better to break up than to go to college, be lonely, and then feel guilty over cheating. If the relationship is to be, the two of you will get back together and be able to solidify your relationship. I would advise both of you not to put that kind of pressure and stress on yourselves. Ultimately, you will have to decide.

Is there a way to tell if somebody is cheating? My bf has some strange texts on his phone. I don’t know if I should call him on it. I keep thinking about it 24/7

The only true way is to catch someone in the act. You don't say what the "strange texts" are, but I would imagine they are something of a flirting or sexual nature. You obviously have trust issues with him. These need to be brought out into the open if your relationship is to get healthy. You are thinking about it all the time because it hasn't yet been resolved. My guess is that he's going to tell you that you are paranoid. don't buy it. That's a standard cover up. At the same time give him time to explain himself. Quite often there is a very simple explanation.

This guy is really good except he acts like an asshole around his buddies who are on the football team with him. He isn’t that way when they are not around. I haven’t said anything yet because I don’t know what to do. My friends say to tell him to f o.

You really do need to say something, but just not in an angry way. Explain to him what you just explained to me, that he acts poorly in front of his buddies but not alone with you. Tell him it really upsets you and that it really hurts you. Sorry to tell you, but he has some maturity issues. He may be a nice guy, but he's trying to look cool and tough in front of his teammates. You should not subject yourself to this. If he doesn't change, then dump him.

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My daughter in law talks badly about me behind my back. I know this because the word has gotten back to me through my girlfriends. Do I tell my son first? Do I tell her first? What do I do? I don’t want to make it hard on my son.

It really depends on your relationship with your son. Personally, I would ask both of them to sit down with you and give them facts. Make sure you have all your ducks in a row, because you do know that she will deny it all. You are then caught being asked to reveal your sources, which should absolutely not do. Explain that you are not interested in shaming or blaming. You just want any negative comments to stop and want very much for all of you to get along. You may need to seek professional help to get this resolved.

I’m 23 and divorced with 2 kids. I’m not sure when I’m supposed to tell someone I date about my kids. Do I tell them right at the first date?

One of the biggest mistakes people make on a first date is TMI - Too Much Information. For most people it's a turn off. You don't need to reveal your whole life story. Certainly, with kids the information should and does come out quickly. You come as a package. Anyone who dates you needs to know that, but not on the first date.

I think my gf is beautiful. I also think she wears too much make up. She has a really beautiful face and beautiful skin. I don’t know why she thinks she needs to put on tons of make up. Is there a nice way to tell her?

All you can do is tell her how beautiful she is when she is au naturale. Love her for who she is, not what you want her to be. Additionally, your view of "too much" and her view may not be the same. Be grateful that your gf takes time to make herself look good.

What about a three way marriage? Have three people ever gotten married on the same day?

I'm not aware of any, but I'm sure there are arguments on both sides. Basically, it is polygamy, which is illegal. Some people feel that any relationship between consenting adults, no matter how many, should be okay. It's a discussion that should probably be had. I always ask people who are making similar decision to consider unknown consequences down the road, 10-20-30 years and the legal implications.

My friends tell me my bf is gay because he writes me really cute poetry and wears funky colors. Now I’m having doubts. Is there any way I can know for sure? I think he’s great and he never did anything that would have me think he likes guys better.

Sadly, your friends have a very simplistic and immature view of maleness. Not that I hold myself as a poster person for maleness, but I'm 6'1", 235, played college football, am active in male activities AND have written poetry since I was 15, cry at some commercials, am happily married for a VERY long time, and have two adult children. Your bf sounds like a wonderfully independent individual who is also very sensitive. Tell your friends to get a life. Hold him and his independence tightly, because if you don't, you'll lose a wonderful guy.

My mother is dating a loser. It not just my opinion. Everyone in our family sees it. How do I help her?

I would guess that your mother is longing for a relationship and is willing to overlook a lot. She may be viewing herself in desperation mode and not using good sense in choosing someone to date. Why don't you try showing her what you "found", that being the Love Shopping List app. It's designed to help people realize what they really want in a relationship and then to score their current relationship against their ideal. Let her know that you found it very enlightening. Leave it at that. It's up to her as to whether or not she takes a real look at her relationship. Confronting her might really cause her to wall off to everyone.

something that never fails to make you horny?

Thanks for asking. My answer would be having the most awesome of all sex organs -- a great brain!! You might want to try it sometime!

my bf is EXCRUTIATINGLY ticklish and I overheard him pretend to his friends that he isnt. turns out he is soooo embarrassed about how ticklish he is even tho its so cute to girls- shall I just message this fact to everyone we know so at least its out in the open? whats the worst that will happen?

In any relationship there are things shared that should only be between the two people. I'm not sure why you feel a need to "out" him. You are making light of something that he is obviously embarrassed about. It would be a HUGE violation of trust for you to tell anything about him. If/when he is ready to talk about it with people, it's up to him. If you would like to keep him as a boyfriend, I would strongly advise against your plan.

Okay, so Sadies is coming up in my school...It's a school dance where girls ask guys to the dance. I have this enormous crush on this one guy and I want to ask him but the thing is I don't know if he likes me and I don't want to get rejected but I don't want to regret it also....what should I do? :/

Welcome to what guys go through re: rejection. Sometimes you have to just go for and hope for the best, caution be damned. Better to try than to have regrets about not asking him. Try, "Hey, are you going to the Sadie's dance?" You'll know by his response, facial gestures, and body language wha to do next. It still doesn't guarantee he will say yes, but at least you don't have to just ask first if he wants to go. In 2015 both males and females are okay with asking each other out. The acceptance and rejection emotions get shared.

My gf complains I never plan anything to do but every time I suggest something she puts it down as being boring or stupid. I ask her what she wants to do but she says its my job as a guy to make plans. Any suggestions?

Try coming to an agreement that you alternate who decides each time and agree not to criticize whatever the date is. If that doesn't work, get a new girlfriend, someone who appreciates you because clearly she does not.

This is going to sound weird coming from a guy, but my gf wants to have sex and I don’t. Could there be something wrong with me like being gay?

Not wanting to have sex has nothing to do with your gender identity and everything to do with you readiness for intimacy. Yes, normally it's the female who has to decide what to do, but surprisingly many more men than most people think are not ready for an intimate relationship. Don't beat yourself up. Just wait until you feel ready.

I’m 16. My parents insist on meeting any guy who wants to take me out. It really upsets me but they just say those are the rules if I want to go out. How do I get them to back off?

You are probably not going to like my answer. Your parents are guilty of being caring, loving parents. They want to make sure that whoever takes you out passes the "sniff" test. You don't say they restrict you in any other way when going out. Reframe what is going on and try thanking your parents for watching out for you. This is not a put down for your age (we were all your age once), but there is no way to truly understand the responsibility of being a parent until you are one yourself. Parents are not perfect. Kids don't come with a manual.

This guy moved about 2 hrs away from our high school. He said he would like to have us go together. I’m not so sure how it would work. I like him but I don’t know what to do. Could it work?

Long distance relationships are complicated, but that doesn't mean it can't work. The biggest question is since you are in high school, why would you tie yourself down. My suggestion would be that the two of you part as friends with the understanding that if things work out in the future, so be it. In the meantime, high school is supposed to be a time to be fun and carefree without the burdens of adulthood. You have some thinking to do.

This really neat guy at school friended me. I want to hold out until he talks to me in person but my friends say I’m just being old fashioned. Am I?

The simple answer is, yes, you are being old fashioned, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's right or wrong. In 2015 many consider it perfectly polite to handle dating with social media, but, again, if it doesn't feel right to you, you will have to risk him not paying anymore attention to you. Ultimately, you will have to decide on how you would like to be treated and stick to that.

I’m so tired of my gf being a drama mama. EVERYTHING is such a big deal. Even her friends tell her that. This happens about 2x a month. Other than that she’s great. I’ve tried to talk to her about it but she says I’m overreacting. Whats up with this?

It's interesting that you point out that it happens about 2x/month. Your gf should really have a full work-up by an endocrinologist to assess what's going on with her hormones. Most people, including most women do not recognize that the female hormones can create just as much chaos in the middle of the month as when she has her cycle. If you are close enough to discuss this with her and don't think she'll become a female preying mantis ( they bite the heads off the males after mating), you can have her track her cycle and see if premenstrual and mid month correspond with her outbursts. That information will also be very helpful to her doctor. WARNING - Proceed with caution!

I asked by bf several times about cheating on me. He never gives me a clear answer. The more he does this the less I trust him. How do I get him to tell me the truth?

Your question reminds me of the movie A Few Good Men. Tom Cruise's character says, "I want the truth!" Jack Nicholson's character says, "You can't handle the truth!" You had better be clear with yourself on what you really want. There are only a few possible outcomes. He continues not to give you a clear answer, and you will never be able to trust him. He says no, but you don't believe him, He says yes, and you blow up and leave him, He says yes, and you let it go. You are going to have to put on your big girl pants and deal with it.

Is it every okay to have my 15 yo’s boyfriend sleep over?

You are the head of the household. You are going to have to determine what you are comfortable with. Can he sleep over? If he sleeps over, can they be in the same room? Is it okay with his parents? These and other questions should be discussed before you take any action. Be a parent, not a friend. All 15 yo's are not mature enough to make such decisions on their own. Let's not bury our heads in the sand. You and I both know what is more than likely to happen if he sleeps over. I am certainly not passing judgement. The only question is if it's okay with you.

At the moment I'm confused...I don't know whether I should tell this guy I like him -for 2 years we argued a lot but then we made up and I told him not to talk to me but he still continues to talk to me and he flirts alot I think he likes my friend though- what should I do?

The first thing to figure out is whether or not you want him as a boyfriend. Obviously, if he's still wanting to talk with you, he has interest. If you make it too difficult, for sure he will start looking elsewhere whether it's your friend or another female. Take the time to figure out what you want. Our app. Love Shopping List (free in the Apple App store) will help you.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 4 months and I was thinking, how long being together is it cool to surprise her with Lingerie?

There is no hard and fast rule. It's also up to your gf on how she feels about such garments. I think as long as it's tasteful lingerie, she will probably be absolutely thrilled as it's not a gift guys usually get unless or until they are married. When you go to the store (definitely a store the first time), as one of the women for some assistance. Describe your gf and what you are trying to accomplish. They will be happy to help.

Im 20 and I've always been afraid of going on dates. The thought of doing small talk with a stranger just scares me. How do I get rid of the fear of being a 'less than perfect' date?

First, understand you will never be a perfect date anymore than you will be a perfect person. I tell my patients who are worried about "small talk" to glance at the news on a site like Google News, CNN, NY Times, etc. it will provide you with more than enough to talk about if you get in the habit of glancing at all the quick paragraphs of all the topics every day. You only need about 15 minutes a day, and you will be set. If you know what your date's interests are in advance, you can get some extra info on that. It works!

How can I be confident with myself? :/

Confidence usually comes with trying something and having some degree of success. The success becomes the reward to try again, which reinforces your confidence. It just takes times and effort. If you keep going despite any setbacks, you will eventually gain the confidence you want.

My friend set up a blind date for me and the girl is pretty but I don't think she likes guys much. Should I ask her out again? I feel that I owe my friend for making an effort for me but I don't think its going anywhere.

Go out but don't put any expectations on the date. Just have fun. There's nothing to say that it has to go anywhere. That's what dating is about. If your agenda is to immediately find someone that will become a serious relationship, you are going to be judging everyone immediately. That's really not a good idea. Just relax and see what happens.


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