Dr. Andrew

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How do you get guys to stop staring at body parts? It’s super annoying. Any suggestions would really help.

Call them on it!! Come right out and ask, "Is there a reason you are staring at me?" You can also use sarcasm, e.g. "Take a picture. It'll last longer." You can handle it any way that makes you comfortable, but if you are uncomfortable with the stares, definitely say something about it. If you don't, it will just continue.

How do you get guys to realize they are being pigs when they make crude remarks that involve sex. I’ve tried telling them it upsets me but they just do it more.

Getting rid of sexism is a matter of education. There are many reasons it occurs. As much as many women would like to blame it on a "male dominated culture," it's really coming from both genders. Both encourage sexism in different ways. It's a discussion we all need to have so it doesn't continue. My only suggestion is not to react but to simply say the comments are inappropriate and then leave. As a worldwide society we still have a long, long way to go to put men and women on an equal footing.

Every time we go out my gf gets smashed to the point of throwing up. She’s great otherwise. I’ve tried to tell her I’m really concerned but she just says she’s having fun and getting it out of her system. I suggested going to an AA meeting, but she just laughed. How do you get someone to realize?

The first step in dealing with any problem is realizing there is even a problem to begin with. She does not realize she is not just going through a phase. She has passed the recreational drinker and has become a problem drinker. Whether you want to use the term "alcoholic" or not does not make any difference. You can not make her doe anything. No one can. She is going to have to have something happen that jars her into reality. Hopefully, it's nothing too disastrous. You should go to an Alanon meeting so you have a support system. In the end you may have to remove yourself from the relationship.

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When is the right time to decide if we’re going together? People label us a couple but we don’t think of ourselves as that yet.

Don't worry about how other people want to label your relationship. It's up to the two of you to define your relationship in a way that makes you both comfortable. If you are comfortable using "going together," do it. If not, don't. The most important thing here is how you feel about each other. That trumps what others think.

I take a lot of pride in how I look. I work hard at my 6pack. My gf gets really upset when other girls look at me like at the beach. I tried telling her that I’m with her but she freaks out. What do I say? BTW she’s just as female hot.

Your girlfriend is insecure in your relationship. Since both of you seem to take a lot of pride in your looks, take the team approach. Let her know how much you appreciate her staying in shape and how much you would like the two of you to step out on the town together so that everyone can see how good BOTH of you look. Once she feels part of the team, the other stuff will probably go away. Also, continue to tell her that you are with her, and you are committed to her.

I’m overweight but I’m okay with how I am. When people make fun of me it pisses me off. It just makes me feel like eating more. What can I say to them?

I'm glad that you are okay with who you are. That's very important. But why would you punish yourself just to get even with others? That doesn't make any sense. All you need to do is smile and tell them that you hope they can someday be as comfortable with themselves as you are with yourself. I tend to look at weight issues more from a health perspective than one of looks. Maybe it's because I am in the health field, but I know what's probably coming years later when the extra weight begins to take a big toll on the body.

Is it my imagination or do women tend to react more emotionally to things?

Firstly, that's a very broad brush stroke you are using when you generalize it like that. As I've mentioned before, while men's brains are bigger, women's brains have more connections from the left, logical, side to the right, artistic side, and they have a larger center of emotions, the amygdala. It's actually what gives woman the ability to look at things more comprehensively. Some call it women's intuition. Of course, if you're a man, you label it more emotionally. To answer your question, women tend to inject more emotions into their decisions, which may or may not be a negative. It all depends on the situation.

We are a mixed race boyfriend and girlfriend. My friends are cool with it but my bf’s friends are having trouble. My bf says just to wait and they will come around. They say hurtful stuff. Should I speak up?

Absolutely you should speak up, but don't do it with anger. You will not get anywhere, and his friends will force him to choose between them and you. Your relationship doesn't need that kind of aggravation. Let them see the kind of person that you are, and let them know that you are open to being a friend. He knows them and may be right that they will come around. Patience is key.

My bf is a super nice guy except when he’s drunk. I’ve tried telling him what’s up but he isn’t listening. Is there anything I can say that would make him listen?

Unfortunately, your guy is an alcoholic but doesn't know or won't admit it, and he's a mean drunk from your question. You are going to have to do two things. You need to set very clear boundaries with him. You need to tell him that as long as he continues to get drunk, you can not be with him. I would also recommend that you attend an Alanon meeting so you can hear from others who are going through the same thing. That way you'll have several strategies to use going forward. It will not change unless you draw the line.

I bn married for 2 yrs. My m-I-l keeps trying to split us up by making up shit about me. My husband says just to ignore her cause she’s a nut case. How do I handle this?

It sounds like your husband knows your m-i-l's game plan. That doesn't mean you should just tolerate what she is doing. Talk to your husband and let him know you intend to talk to his mother. When you talk to her, be respectful but direct. Let her know that what she is doing is not okay. You and your hubby may have to begin to set some very firm boundaries if she does not see the light. He probably grew up ignoring her, so it's easy for him, but it still needs to be stopped.

I've asked you ?'s about bdsm and mistresses before, and I just wanted to thank u 4 all the advice. I finally had my 1st meeting w/ a mistress and it was very pleasant.

Glad to have helped, and glad it was a good experience for you. Sometimes you just have to experience something before passing judgement. As many have said before, there really is a very thin line between pain and pleasure.

I like to date both boys and girls. I like both. Should I not mention that when dating one or the other?

I don't think if you are just dating casually that you need to mention anything. Even if you were strictly with one gender or the other, you wouldn't discuss who else you were dating with your date. It's really no different if you are bisexual unless it's different in your own mind.

My bf is really a big teddy bear but he only does it with me. He puts on this big bad thing in front of everyone else. How do I get him to show his other side? People think he's a jerk.

He's caught up in being macho. Let him know how others are viewing him and that you want them to see what you see. He clearly has some insecurities that need to be addressed. Just keep driving home the idea that he doesn't need to prove anything to anyone.

me and my gf are both in recovery. we met there. people are saying that it will never work because the only thing we have in common is drugs. do these types of relationships ever work?

Don't pay attention to "people." They say a lot of things without really knowing or understanding. Of course it can work. It will take more work, but that's okay. You do have to make sure that you have more in common than just recovery if you want to move forward. There are many relationships that have come out of being in recovery together. Get professional help and keep up the sobriety.

My grandma says anybody who looks for a date on a computer is a loser. How do i explain that this is 2014 and that's how its done? Should I just shine her on?

Your grandma comes from an era when anyone who needed a computer to date was a "loser." She has not stepped into the 21st century. You can't try showing her what it's about, but I doubt she is going to change her mind unless her friends start doing it.

Is there really such a thing as necrophelia? Why would anybody do that? They have to be really sick!

Sex with the dead. Yes, there really is such a thing. Yes, those people have some very deep problems. There are many reasons for it. If you are really interested, you can research it. It's not my area of expertise, so I wouldn't want to misinform you.

Our son just brought his boyfriend to dinner at our house. we were shocked. I don't want to lose him, but this goes against our religious beliefs. what do we do? thanks for your help.

It would have been nice had he sat down with the two of you and explained rather than just shoving it at you. Okay, so he made a poor choice, knowing about your beliefs. First and foremost, just love him for who he is, and be happy that he thought enough of the two of you that you could handle him just bringing his boyfriend home. When you think about it, it says a lot about your relationship. I would contact an LGBT organization in your community and talk with them. They will be able to guide you through all your concerns. If you don't want to lose him, you need to love him for who he is, not what you want him to be.

My wife does not get along with my family. She refuses to go to any functions. I go to all of hers. My family is getting pissed. Do I go without her to my stuff?

This is truly a job for a professional to navigate. This is not going to get better anytime soon without help. That being said, yes, you should go to your family functions. It's your family, and you don't want to alienate yourself from them.

How do I get my mother to stop telling me what kind of girls I should be dating? Its getting so bad I want to yell at her.

Your mother sounds like she's being a smother mother. That's never good. She feels she knows you better than anyone, and so you should listen to her. This needs to be ended quickly because there is not self respecting female that is going to allow your mother to control a relationship. You need to sit her down for a serious talk, explaining that while you know that she is doing this because she loves you, it is interfering in your dating. You might even try telling her to have confidence in what she has taught you and to let you take it from here. If push comes to shove and she won't stop, you are going to have to tell her that you will not bring anyone around unless she agrees to stop nagging.

My bf has ocd. He's great but it really gets in the way of a lot of things we do. What can I do to make it better?

You can't do anything to make it better. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a neurological problem and needs to be treated by a professional. The obsessions and compulsions will come an go with varying degrees of difficulty. OCD can be treated with medication and with behavioral therapy. It is life long and doesn't ever go away completely. He needs to know how to handle the odd issues. The obsessions and compulsions can work for him in some cases or against him. It all depends on how he handles them. Since it's interfering in your relationship, you both should seek professional help to guide you.

My husband died in a car accident 6 months ago. Is there some amount of time that makes it okay to date again?

First, please allow me to extend our condolences to you and to all those close to him. There is no right amount of time, but six months is considered reasonable. The biggest question to be asked is whether you have truly dealt with your loss. If you have not, then even a longer amount of time should be considered. If you don't deal with your grief, it will surely interfere in future relationships in ways you never imagined possible. When you are emotionally healthy, then go for it. Don't date just to fill a big lonely void in your life. That's never a good idea. I'm sure there are grief groups in your area that can help you take a realistic look at how you are doing with your loss.

I'm in this relationship with this guy and everything seems too perfect. I keep waiting for things to go south. Am I being too negative?

It sounds like you've been burned before in a relationship and/or you have serious doubts about this one. You need to examine what's really going on and where the fear is coming from. It certainly is reasonable to proceed with caution, but don't become paranoid. You will only create things in your imagination that don't exist, and the break up will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. No one is perfect, but he might be really close by your standards, and that's okay. It's actually what you want, isn't it?

I secretly read my wife's texts and was shocked because she was asking her friend if she knew of a good cheap motel and what condoms she recommends. What should I do?

Either a very exciting and Happy Fathers' Day, or you've got yourself a very big problem. I would most certainly ask her in a non-threatening way why she would ask those questions of her friend. Don't pre-judge until you know all the facts, but definitely insist on getting to the bottom of the matter. Definitely insist on staying with the topic, and don't get sucked into the decoy of "I can't believe you looked at my texts!" That's just trying to divert the spotlight from the issue. Obviously, if you "secretly" read your wife's texts, you've already suspected something was up.

What should I do to make my ex-bf luv me again?

You can't make anyone else feel a certain way. You can only be who you are. You should not ever alter who you are just to please anyone else and certainly not to get an ex back. All that will happen is you will go through the revolving door again and again. Figure out what you really want and move on. Be proud of who and what you are.

i fall in love with him in the first sight . i dont even know his name. i trying to get rid the feeling that i have for him but i cant. what should i do ? it is very imposibble for me to get in a relationship with him .

Sounds more like a fantasy crush than anything else. I'm not sure why you believe it's impossible for you to be in a relationship with him, but if that's true, all you are doing is torturing yourself. You can keep the fantasy just for fun as long as you accept the difference between fantasy and reality and it doesn't detract from the rest of your life. It's more like you "won't" get rid of the feeling as opposed to "can't." You most certainly have control over yourself unless there is something else seriously wrong. Life is about choices.


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