Dr. Andrew

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What is your opinion that at what age is it okay for a boyfriend to sleep over? There seems to be a huge double standard with age.

What I think is not important. It's what your parents think that counts, and until you are out of the house, you're going to have to abide by their rules. Yes, your Aunt Tilly who is 58 can sleep over with her boyfriend, and they're okay with that. There is no defined age.

My parents have disowned my sister because she is gay. They are Evangelical. I am getting married and I want my sister to be my maid of honor. My parents say they won’t attend my wedding if I do that. I'm really stuck. What should I do?

It sounds like you and your sister are very close. This is YOUR wedding, and you should be allowed to run it the way you want. Your parents are letting their belief system get in the way of their relationships with their children, which is very unfortunate. Hopefully, when you set the boundary that your sister will be your m-o-h, your parents will come around. If they don't, it will be their loss, and I can almost guarantee you that they will have huge regrets down the line. I'm sorry that they have put you in this position, but don't let it take away from your special day.

Is there a right size diamond to give for an engagement?

The right size diamond is the one that fits into your budget comfortably. I would definitely do some research on diamonds before any spending takes place. If you haven't already, you need to educate yourself on the "C's" of diamond purchases: cut; carat; color; and clarity, which will all equal to cost.

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My sister criticizes our kids. She says its her right as an aunt to say something. My husband is ready to blow up at her but he gets mad at me instead. that’s not fair. Do I let him say something to her?

First, your husband has a right to be upset with your sister. He does't have a right to take it out on you, but you also need to step up. If not, then let him deal with her. It really depends on the family dynamics. The best solution is for the two of you to sit down with her and tell her how you BOTH feel.

My gf gets really mad when people come over and I cooked the meal because I get so many compliments and she almost never does. The truth is she is not that good a cook but I don’t want to tell her that. Is there a nice way to handle this?

You can try cooking things somewhat together. That way when people compliment you, you can say, "Thank you, but we both cooked the meal. We enjoy doing that together." People who know you will just smile, but then your gf won't be as mad. You might also try taking some cooking lessons together. It's a fun couples' activity, and it will improve her cooking.

My grandpa, my dad’s dad, thinks children should be seen and not heard. My dad won’t help me. I’m 16 so it’s not like I’m a little kid. Anything I can say to him to let him know this is 2014?

Your grandfather is stuck in the way back machine, and there's probably not a lot you can do. There was a time when that philosophy was considered correct. Personally, I've never believed in it. I think all people have a lot to say that bears listing. I would also either monitor his behavior or ask others. If he has become more agitated lately, you may be looking at the early stages of dementia. Agitation and anger that weren't there before are a symptom. Otherwise you can look up the definition of "curmudgeon" because it sure sound like it fits. You can try just talking with him a lot more. That may loosen him up to the idea that you really do have something to say that's worth listening to.

Me and my gf been going together for only about 4 months. I really like her but she been putting pressure on me to get married. I don’t want to lose her but I am not ready for that. Can you help?

Marriage is a huge step for both parties. It has to be right for both of you. You don't say how long you two have been going together, so that may be a factor. One of my couples patients have been going together for almost 10 years. She finally said it's now or never, and he pulled the "I'm feeling pressured" card. That's a bit different. If it's only been a short while for you, then all you can do is explain that you need a bit more time. If she leaves, then you will have to accept that.

My husband has become a raging couch potato. I try to get him to do stuff. He doesn’t and I get mad. It’s really starting to piss me off. How do I motivate him?

Explain to him that you really love him and are concerned about his health. Don't use anger because he will only posture up. Tell him you would like to do couple's workouts at the gym so that you two can be healthier together. There is a possibility that he may be experiencing some depression, so don't count that out. Be gentle. It will generally get much better results.

I take part in breast and ass smothering from time to time and I quite enjoy it. Only problem is that I get feel really light headed afterwards. is this normal? Or is there a way to strengthen my lungs?

I'm afraid I have terrible news for you. It's seems that the oxygen deprivation has done permanent, irreversible neurological damage. At this point your lungs seems to be the least of your concerns. Oh, and BTW, if you must continue, try doing it with a female. They are much gentler than your current choice.

Hey my gf said she's not allowed to date so she broke up with me but she's gonna date another boy and I really want her back. I need help

It certainly sounds like she made up an excuse because she doesn't want to date you anymore. That's a real cheesy way to do it, especially since she knows you will find out she's dating. You need to have a bit more self respect. You want her back only because she dumped you. The best "help" I can give you is the advice to start singing the theme song from Frozen. Relationships take two people wanting to be with each other. If one of them does not, then there is no relationship.

me and my ex got back together after 9mos.for the first 4mos of starting over again we seem just fine,he promised that he has changed and for what I can see he did.he's 23 and im 18. we had sex.both of us are mature but as time pass by he was going back to his old self and I cant understand why.

You are experiencing, "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." Unless you both get some help, the pattern will continue. The fact that he "promise" that he has changed is a cheap way of luring you back in, and you took the bait. It's and age old line. He may be genuinely wanting to change but hasn't. You need to set some firm boundaries. Either the two of you get good, professional help together, or you need to end things to protect yourself.

can you become addicted to a mistress? I get one mostly to satisfy some fetishes, but recently I found myself thinking of her more often and I really don't want to spend more money than I already do on her. (I only see her about once a month at best).

Addicted? No, but it sounds like you may actually be experiencing emotions. That really must be a unique experience for such a cheap bastard. Oh, sorry. I'm supposed to remain professional. Couldn't help myself.

He just kept silent without saying anything and the way he treated me as if I wasn't important to him anymore

I would ask him directly what he was thinking. If he blows you off, you know you're going to be on your own. Just know that he may be a bit in shock, so give him a chance to explain himself. Sometimes guys work through things in their heads first before reacting outwardly.

My boyfriend and I have sex. There are some signs that I was pregnant. When I told him, he's got quite weird reaction marks. What does it mean if so?

Not sure what you mean by "weird reaction marks." Happy to answer if you can explain that.

Why do guys not understand what sexism is about? They all blow it off as just joking around. I don't want to come across as a bitch, so what do others say?

Our society has not done a very good job of defining and attempting to eliminate sexism, and it comes from both males and females. As long as you can say things without anger, do so. It's hard to stand up for yourself sometimes, but always try to do that. Education is the key. Whenever I do presentations on racism, sexism, etc., I always try to include people and have them be interactive with personal experiences so others can really hear what it feels like. To come back to your opening line though, it's not just guys.

My bf always forgets important dates or times. It really upsets me. He says he has adhd and thats just him. Anything I can do?

I deal a lot with ADHD. I always tell people there is a big difference between the words "explanation" and "excuse" and that they need to understand it. I can explain why a person is having difficulty remembering, but that is not an excuse. There are many ways to assist an individual. I would very much suggest that you seek the services of a professional to work with both of you so that the ADHD does not interfere in your relationship.

We like doing things with other couples, but this one couple always argue and fight. She has been a friend for 10 years. Do I say something to her?

Yes, you should say that you are concerned about her because it seems that whenever you and your husband are with them, they argue and fight, which makes you very uncomfortable. It needs to be brought to the surface. Also understand that you may get reactions for which you may not be prepared. She may blow up at you, or she may get very emotional and unload everything that has been going on. You and your husband should be happy when you get together with people.

My sister is really jealous of me and my husband's relationship. She's always making nasty comments about how I don't deserve him. My husband just thinks it's funny and chalks it up to her problems. Do I say something? I don't want it to affect my relationship with my husband.

Absolutely you say something to her, but just not in an angry way. Not saying something is basically like telling her it's okay. This is the perfect opportunity to use the "I" statements to which I have often referred. It's a statement of fact followed by a feeling followed by a requested action. "When you try to put me down because of my relationship with my husband, it makes me angry and sad that you, as my sister, would do that. I need you to be supportive of us and not say any more put downs." If that doesn't work, you may have to consider giving your sister a time out from seeing the two of you. She's obviously very jealous, but that doesn't mean it gives her the okay to be hurtful.

I really like this guy and want to go out with him. My parents say because I'm 15 I am not allowed to date. Is there something I can say to them that works? They've met him already and think he's ok but wont let me go out with him.

All you can do is respectfully present your case. Some parents and some cultures are very strict about the age at which a woman can date. Yes, it is definitely a form of sexism because those same people would probably not have the same issue with a son. You can continue to bring him around and stay close to home so that they feel more comfortable, but ultimately you will have to do what they wish unless you decide to rebel. I don't recommend that at all because it only causes a greater divide. I disagreed with my parents on a number of things, but I always loved and respected them enough to let them have the final say so.

Should I get back together with my ex? He keeps asking and saying that it will be better the 2nd time around.

I am not opposed to second chances provided something major has changed. Talk is cheap. You have to ask yourself what made you break up last time, and you have to address those things with him. Just having him say that things will be better is not good enough. As the saying goes, "Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me." It really rings true in relationships. Only you can determine whether or not to get back with him, but do so with your eyes and ears wide open, not just with your heart.

I don't do drugs but my friends all say that sex is better with them. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to be the only one holding out.

My mother used to ask me this question when I used to argue that I wanted to do what others were doing, "So if everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you do that too?' You need to not do things because of pressure from others. Drug use of any kind is a choice people make until they are addicted at which time it's not just a matter of choosing. You have to do what YOU are comfortable with and what is right for you. Peer pressure has gotten a lot of people into a lot of trouble for a very long time. There are lot's of things that can be done to enhance a sexual experience without doing anything that makes one go against her/his beliefs. Be true to yourself. In the end you'll be much happier.

How do I tell my gf she's getting chunky. I don't need her to have a perfect bod, but its like shes put on a bunch of weight. Im worried shes depressed.

I would not take the direct approach. I would start with something like, "Are you okay? I've noticed you just seem a little out of sorts lately, and I'm worried about you." Also, when you go out, try telling her you'd like to make healthier choices for eating so that you both are healthy. Additionally, ask her if she'd like to do some exercising with you because YOU want to get in better shape. Talking to most females directly about weight can be like sticking your finger into a hornets' nest. If she does pick up on what you are doing, just emphasize that you are not concerned about her looks. You are concerned about her health. Weight gain is generally a sign that something, physical or emotional, is not right.

Can anyone really tell if u r a virgin?

Assuming that this is in reference to females, since obviously there is no way with males, the answer is that unless a woman has given birth, there is really no way to tell unless it's by a very experienced gynecologist. There is the old belief that if a thin skin like structure called the hymen has been broken, the woman is not a virgin. This is not true. The hymen, aka cherry, is often broken with hard physical activity. In fact, in some cases if the hymen is particularly thick, it can still be partially intact after intercourse. So, again, the answer is pretty much no.

My uncle started dating my girlfriends mom. Am I wrong to be creeped out? My gf thinks it's cool.

You are not wrong to have any feelings. They are yours. You might want to step back and reevaluate the situation. It might not be as creepy as you think. Assuming your uncle is a good guy and assuming your gf's mother is a good lady, let them enjoy some love and happiness. If your gf is good with it, you may want to listen to what she has to say. Yes, it's a bit unorthodox, but, hey, lot's of things in life are, and they still turn out good.

I'm 30 and have been in 3 serious relationships that all went bust. I asked my girlfriends if it was me but it just shakes me Any way to pick better?

One of the primary reasons we developed our app, Love Shopping List, was to assist people with exactly what you are going through. You need to clearly establish what is important to you in a relationship and then compare anyone you are dating to your ideal list. My guess would be that you have not been doing that, and then you become disappointed that the relationships are not meeting your needs. So, it's not "you or them" as much as it is just bad chemistry. You just need good tools to choose better. Don't give up. You'll find a good match.


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