Dr. Andrew

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Is it okay to trust someone you love even if he lied to you and he have done many wrongs and mistakes to you. Is it okay to trust him all over again?

It depends how much you love the pain he inflicts. Leopards don't change their spots. You know the saying, "Screw me once, shame on you. Screw me twice, shame on me." It doesn't sound like he's messed up once. You say "many." He had lowered your self-esteem to the point you are willing to put up with this form of emotional abuse. A continued breaking of trust dooms any relationship.

My parents want me to follow our tradition and have an arranged marriage. I’m not interested but I don’t want to disrespect my parents. How do I find a compromise. They have said I will never have their blessing unless they arrange it.

Wow! They really are forcing you to choose. Ultimately, you are going to have to make a decision. Most often I find regrettably there is no compromise. If you choose your own path, you may have to walk it alone. I would strongly suggest seeing a therapist familiar with your culture who can help guide you through.

Me and this guy dated in high school more than 10 years ago. I am married now. I happened to see him the other day and it’s like bells whistles and stars went off. I can’t believe I had that reaction. I want to be with him so badly now. WTF?

You are reliving in your mind what you had 10 years ago. I'm also wondering what's going on in your marriage. It just may be that you are not fulfilled. The "bells and whistles" are just reminders of the exciting times you had. You are forgetting about what caused you to break up with him. Don't go planting flowers in someone else's garden.

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My bf moved in about two months ago because he lost his job. He keeps saying he’s been looking but when I get home he’s just laying on the couch.. I’m worried this pattern won’t stop. My friends say to give him a deadline. Is that a good way to handle it?

You absolutely need to give him a deadline, but try a few things first. You need to express that it's not fair to put that much pressure on you. You also can say that you are happy to help him. Sometimes people become paralyzed with the disappointment and rejection of losing a job, so he may also be depressed. He may need to see a therapist for help. You can volunteer to go with him. However, if none of this works, you need to cut your losses and move on.

Is there love at first sight? I saw this girl and I was like struck by lightening. She told me she felt the same way. Can this really be? I’m worried that it’s just a quick attraction.

First, yes, it's a quick attraction. That's what love at first sight is. For some it's only lust at first sight, but, yes, there is love at first sight. Keep in mind that in a good relationship love matures over time. So the first sight love is not the same as a decades old love. Think of it like a fine wine. It's pretty good at first, but let it mellow and age and now your talking. BTW, I'm a perfect example of love at first sight. The night I met my wife I told my parents she was IT. We are coming up on 47 years, so, yeah, there is love at first sight.

Me and my sister are biracial. We both have boyfriends who are white. Both of us have dated guys of all colors, but now we are being judged. This is 2016. Why do people continue to judge? We just want to be left alone.

Unfortunately, there are some people who are haters, and, as the saying goes, "haters gonna hate." Ignorance knows no boundaries. Be who you both are. You can call these people on their stuff, but I doubt it will change anything. It is perfectly acceptable to state that you do not appreciate their disrespect and rudeness and that you would like them to keep such comments to themselves. Either that or just bitch-slap 'em! :-)

My best friend asked me to be her maid of honor. Here’s the problem. Her fiancée is a schmuck. How can I possibly support this if I know she’s making a huge mistake? I’ve talked to her other bridesmaids and they all feel the same way.

First, you have to have objective information about what he has done, not just feelings. That being said, if all the bridesmaids feel the same way, maybe it's time for an intervention. I would recommend actually consulting a professional interventionist (yes, there is such a thing). They are very experienced in this area. The other option is just for all of you to agree to support HER and then be there when the sh-t hits the fan.

My gf’s mother is a really bad alcoholic. I am very worried that my gf will follow her mother if we get married. She doesn’t drink now. How can I make sure this doesn’t happen? It scares me to death. We’ve had to pick her mother up off the floor several times.

I can certainly understand why you are "scared to death." As you are aware, alcoholism tends to run in families. However, there is an organization called ACOA-Adult Children of Alcoholics- that many like your gf go to for support. That certainly could help. As much as I would like to say otherwise, as other things in life there are no guarantees.

My dad left when I was 2 and I haven’t seen him since. My mom passed away a year ago. I would like for someone to walk me down the aisle, but I don’t have anyone close to do that. It’s sad. Should I ask an aunt and uncle? I’m sure they would do it but I just don’t know.

Don't do anything that is artificial for you. You have gotten to where you are because of your strength. I can certainly understand that you would like to be walked down the aisle, but your reality is that you don't need anyone to do that. Many brides walk down the aisle themselves, and the family and friends will stand in honor of you. Strut your stuff, lady!!

My boyfriend is toxic. Found out about lots of lies and I feel like it's always one sided. I feel he tells me he loves me just to get what he wants. I've written to you about him before. it's been 8 months. I love him, is there a future. He keeps calling, says he wants me in his life.

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the sign of insanity. So are you insane? No, I didn't think so. As another saying goes, "Leopards don't change their spots." Your bf has shown that he is not about to change. You are bing manipulated. You can't possibly love that. He says one thing and does another. There is no law against being foolish. We've all made mistakes, but some of us learn from those mistakes and others don't. Which are you?

Can you recommend good dating sites that I won't need a second in for. Are there free ones that you could respond to someone who likes your profile?

I don't recommend any particular sites. What I tell people is to do your homework by investigating each one. There will be many that are not quite right for you, but there will be a few that might work. Keep in mind there are huge differences between true dating sites and just hookup sites.

Me and my bf argue a lot. When we don’t, we get along great. It makes me doubt whether or not we should get married. We tried therapy for awhile but we are still arguing. Not sure why. What do we do?

It sounds like you've tried to work it out on your own without success. Something keeps getting in the way, and neither of you have been able to identify it. A relationship therapist will help you identify the root causes of your arguments and how to avoid them. Sometimes obstacles are too big to overcome, but since you mostly get along "great", there's a lot of hope.

My gf has a history of breast cancer in her family. She says she won’t marry me because she doesn’t want to put me through something like that. I’ve tried telling her that I love her not her boobs but she just shines me on. I’m really worried about how she thinks about this.

Your gf desperately needs help. If you can get her go to a breast cancer support group (most large local hospitals have one), it would help her tremendously. Her reaction is no unusual. Very often people don't want to be a "burden" to others. Just keep telling her you love her and be patient and supportive.

I found drug stuff in my bf’s apartment. He tells me it’s a friend’s but I’m not sure I believe him. I’ve told him that if he does drugs I’m out. Is there a way to know for sure about this?

If it is within a few days, you can always tell him that in order for you to trust him, you require that he get a drug test. If he tells you that's ridiculous, you pretty much have your answer. How can you tell when a druggie is lying? Their lips are moving!!!!

I am a gay man in a relationship. Stupidly I cheated on my partner. I could say I was drunk but that’s not an excuse. How do people get past something like this? I’m really depressed over how stupid I was.

The fact that you are gay is really irrelevant. You were in a committed relationship, and you cheated on your partner. It doesn't make any difference what gender or sexual preference. Infidelity is a huge breach of trust. It is going to take a lot of time and probably a lot of professional help to heal the wound you created. Of course, a lot depends on whether or not your partner wants to continue in the relationship.

Me and this guy met online. It’s been unbelievable. He’s like my perfect guy. Now I’m worried that he’s too perfect. I keep having these doubts because I don’t want to get hurt. He has never done anything in 6 months to cause me to doubt but I do. Do I check up on him with a PI?

There are only two outcomes to having him investigated, and both are good. Either the PI finds out that he really is who he says he is and has no skeletons in his closet, or some really nasty stuff comes out, thereby saving you from a huge mistake. It's totally worth the time and money.

My aunt and uncle raised me because my mom is a drug addict and I don’t even know who my dad is. I’m getting married to this wonderful guy. I want my aunt and uncle to walk me down the aisle. Now all of a sudden my mother wants to be in on everything. I don’t forgive her.

First of all, it's your wedding, so you get to choose. If your mother has her act together, she also probably has many, many regrets. Part of any 12 Step Program is making amends to all the people who were hurt. It doesn't sound like she's done that. Try not to let this issue interfere in such a wonderful day. If you can, you might want to try to move forward in a relationship with her, but that might have to come after your wedding, and she will just have to accept that.

Based on your opinion, how can we know that we really love someone? Sometimes I always get confused with my own feelings. Thanks.

One of the prime reasons we produced our app, Love Shopping List, is for exactly the reason you ask. Most people do not take the time to really figure out what they want in a relationship. By making a list, it helps you to clarify your thoughts. There is much more involved than just the generic "chemistry." You need to take the time to discover with somewhat objective information.

I am dating this wonderful woman. Both of our spouses passed. For whatever reason her kids won’t accept me. Mine are ok with her. we’ve tried doing stuff as one big family but her kids ruin things, usually by getting into arguments with my kids. This makes me have doubts about marriage.

Unfortunately, you may have to postpone or cancel the marriage. Before taking that step, I would suggest that everyone attend some family group therapy to see if the issues can be worked out. It's a shame that her kids are doing this, but your kids should not be subjected to that kind of treatment. Ultimately, it's not just the two of you who might be marrying. It's the two families that are marrying.

My bf says he wants to to a threesome before we get married just to get it out of the way. He says lots of people do that. Is he right? I’ll go along with it once just to “get it out of the way.” Do a lot of people really do this?

STOP! You are being gaslighted. Unless it's something you believe in, don't do it. You need a new bf and quickly. He is giving you false information so he can try to fulfill his fantasy. The mere fact he would do this to you is disgusting. Sure, there are people that do it, but it's a mutual decision, not one based on bullshit.

My friend got pregnant at 16. We are now 20. She is going with this guy just to have a man in the picture. How do I tell her I don’t think she’s making a good decision? We are really close, and I don’t want to ruin our friendship.

This is a really difficulty situation for your friend. At such a young age she may feel that she can’t make it alone. Be supportive of whatever decision she makes. Ask her what you can do to help. Suggest to her that she join a support group for young, unmarried mothers. You are a wonderful friend, but you can’t fix this for her and she does not need for you to judge her.

Me and this girl are really close. We are best friends. We’ve talked about taking it further but are worried it will ruin our friendship. Is there something we can do to make sure we don’t screw things up? My friends think it will mess things up if we get closer.

The best advice is to just keep being best friends. The best relationships are rooted in friendship. Friendship will only make your relationship stronger. Getting closer will not ruin your friendship unless there are already things wrong with it. When you hear someone say that their husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend is their best friend and they really mean it, you are seeing a really strong relationship.

Our son is gay. He is going with a wonderful man.. The problem is the other man’s family. They won’t accept our son. We’ve tried reaching out but they won’t meet us. ????

Unfortunately, there is not really anything you can do other than continue to love your son and his boyfriend. You have no control over what his parents do or say. Your loving “arms” are their safe haven and sanctuary. Keep it that way. Maybe one day, his parents will realize what they are missing. You are wonderful parents for loving your son for who he is.

Me and my wife are not really right for each other. We both accept that. We’ve have been married 2 years and stay together for tax and income purposes. I’m worried it will just become a habit and will roll on. What could a therapist tell us that we don’t already know?

I’m not sure a therapist could tell you anything since you seem to have already made up your mind. I often ask patients who state what you have stated, “If you know the problem and have all the answers, why are you here to see me?” You might want to think about keeping a much more open mind so that you here more objective and educated information.

Me and my bf have been arguing about whether males or females are more interested in sex. We need you to resolve the argument.

Numerous studies have shown that it’s pretty much equal but not necessarily in the same way. Males are generally interested in the sex act itself, while females are more interested in everything that goes along with it including ambiance, foreplay, etc. Different does not mean one or the other is more or less interested. Part of being a good partner is fulfilling the other’s needs.


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