Dr. Andrew

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How do you meet dateable people without going to a meat market?

Join a theme- based community group like biking, scuba diving, community service group, etc. That way you will meet people without having social pressure. Meat markets are more for desperate people.

Me and my bf are getting married in 4 months. I invited family but I have two cousins who both say they are not coming if the other one comes. I love them both, but its becoming a whole family deal. Can you suggest a way to handle this please.

Your cousins are putting their own needs ahead of yours, which is incredibly disrespectful and selfish. You need to send the same message to both. Tell them, as you said, you love them both. Whatever decisions they make, you will still love them, but please do not put you in the middle. You can also tell them that you are being distracted from your special day by having to put time and energy on them, and that is NOT fair.

I think I’m in love with a coworker, but I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize my job. She is single and there are no regs against a relationship with coworkers. I’m worried about saying something that could be thought of as sexual harassment. What’s the best approach?

Just be a friend first, and go from there. If she is interested, she will let you know. Sexual harassment could only possibly apply if you sexually harass her, and why would you do that if you are really interested? Why don't you "practice" first so you don't say something you would later regret?

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Can people just fall out of love?

The short answer is "not really." It begins as something barely noticeable, but then grow. It just seems like it occurs all at once, but it doesn't. If, as a psychologist, couples can get to me early on, it's much easier to fix than once the love stops. It's probably more accurate to say "grow" out of love than it is to say "fall."

Who is supposed to pay for what at a wedding? Both our parents are starting to be bitchy about paying for stuff.

There used to be a set of "rules" that apply to weddings, but this is 2014. It is much more open for discussion now. It also depends on different cultures. As an example, while traditional is that the bride's parents pay for most of the wedding, in some cultures the bride's parents pay for the engagement party, and the groom's parents pay for the wedding. Since things have gotten expensive, many parents choose to split it wherever possible. It definitely needs to be discussed in advance so there are as few a hurt feelings as possible. Of course, it's a wedding, so there will be hurt feelings for something.

If things are supposed to be equal why doesn’t a guy get as much attention at a wedding as the bride? “The Moment” of the wedding is when the bride comes down the aisle. Shouldn’t this change?

Really?? You think you are going to change something that is traditional in literally ALL cultures around the world? Yes, at some level it has to do with the whole potential husband asking for the bride's hand in marriage, etc. My suggestion is the question that I often ask people when there is a disagreement - "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?"

My gf’s mother interferes in everything we do. She’s really bossy. My gf just says to ignore her but it really pisses me off. We are thinking about getting engaged but I’m not sure I want her as a mother in law. What is the “nice” way to tell her to STFU?

It's best if both you and your gf sit down with her mother and talk. Explain that it really bothers BOTH of you (you have to have your gf's support, or it won't work), and makes you feel like she is trying to control you. You can certainly mention that her actions are interfering in your relationship, and ask her if that's what she really wants. You have to put a stop to it now because if you don't, it will get worse after you get married.

How can I talk to a popular girl in school I'm a invisible in school

You are invisible only if you think you are invisible. Find out what she is interested in and become an expert. Then you will have something to talk about. Don't worry, you will gradually learn how to be more social as you have more experience. It's perfectly natural for males and females to be somewhat uncomfortable once interest in the opposite (or sometimes not opposite) sex starts. It's gone on for a very, very long time.

You gave me great advice about women at the gym. I followed it to great success, until recently when I finally asked her out on a date and her response was "I thought you were gay" I was so embarrassed I stormed off. Next day she said apologized and agreed to the date. Is this a pity date?

no, it's not. She obviously was aware of you but thought that you were not aware of her. Don't get your knickers in a knot. Just go out and have a good time.

My wife and myself partake in fetish/ role play. We've had a great run, up until recently when all this 50 shades of grey BS started to come up. Now she's convinced that I'm "broken in the head" and that my childhood must have been horrible (it wasn't). I'm really uncomfortable with her judging me

You two absolutely need professional help. This will only get worse, and the two of you will drift further apart unless you get help and do it immediately. Something has been stirred up in her, and it needs to be worked through so that your relationship can grow and move on.

I love my bf of 14 months very much & i wanna trust him but i don't . In the pass he has texted other females in an inappropriate way & i really didn't like it . So i got over it but he still text other females & i don't want him to so , what should i do ?

Explain that you have no trouble with him texting, but not in an inappropriate way. Tell him that it makes you not trust him and that if he values your relationship, he will choose better. If he doesn't change his ways, boot his ass.

I've always known my man to be kind hearted. We recently started dating and I've noticed that he gets in these moods where he's so sad, I ask him what's wrong and he tells me that he can't get over all the suffering in the world. how do I convince him that the world's burdens aren't his concern?

Actually, they are everyone's concern. Suggest to him that he channel his frustrations into something productive like a blog, support of an organization, volunteering his time, etc. Your man is definitely a caring, kind-hearted person, and you would not want to extinguish that trait.

My boyfriend & i have been together for a year & 2 months. We don't argue much but when we do it's about him texting other females . How do i deal with it other than going through his phone, which i have done before & found things but now i just don't go through his phone because i wanna trust him .

I'm not sure if he has given you any other reason not to trust him. He may, in fact, have good female friends with whom he stays in touch. Tell him about your concerns and listen to what he says without being defensive. The key here is communication.

I really like this guy at school and I think he likes me. The problem is I’m 3 inches taller than he is. I don’t have a problem with it but I’m scared he might. How does this work?

Since one of my specialties is sports psychology, I have had the privilege of helping a number of tall female athletes. They all have the same fear you do. You are who you are. If a male is secure within himself, your height will not matter. Stand tall and be proud of who you are.

We are really in love with each other and I want to be supportive but at the same time this invalidates me as a person.

see previous answer

My partner asked me to move out for a week when his parents are here and asked a female friend of ours to move in for the week so his parents arena’s suspicious. He has not told them he is gay. I don’t want to pressure him but I’m really hurt. We are really in love with each other and I want to be

Your partner is ashamed of who he is and who you are. He needs a lot of help. The best advice is to seek out a local LGBT group. They will be able to help him -- and you -- through. He's hurting, and consequently you are hurting. Putting on a facade just kicks the can down the road. It doesn't help anyone.

I really like this girl at school. She is super popular but really nice. How do I get up enough guts to even talk to her? BTW we are both on the track team at school. That’s where I see her all the time. Every time I think about talking to her I get all nervous.

Talk shop -- track. Talk to her about her times, distances, heights, etc. She will either continue the dialogue, or she will cut it off. Either way you will know what the next move is. Trust me, this has been going on for thousands of years. You are not the first.

I think it sucks that they didn’t tell him before but they didn’t. Anyway, his real father is Mexican. So now he’s freaked and depressed and angry. How do I help him?

Truly the best thing you can do for him is to suggest professional help. Besides being a racist, he has also just had his whole identity pulled out from under him. Some would say he deserves it, but this may be a huge learning experience for him and change his whole way of thinking about others.

This is a little complicated. My bf is always talking shit about Hispanics like they are lazy. I’ve always said he doesn’t look like his younger bro and sister. His mother just told him that his father is different. I'm posting a second time because there are not enough characters.

See second answer

I met a girl online. She says she lives about 2 hrs away. I asked my mother if she would drive me out to meet the girl but she says I’m just being stupid thinking that this would work out. She says I don’t even know if this is really a person. Should I just hop on a bus and check things out?

I don't think that your mother should be labeling you as stupid, but I definitely think that you should check things out first. There are a number of services that can help you do this. If it proves to be a prank or a perf, you've been saves, and if it verifies who she is, you can show it to your mother. Either way you win.

My younger brother is developmentally delayed. I’m proud of all he has accomplished and try to include him in a lot of what my gf and me do. The problem is that when we go out a lot of people seem to make fun of him. My gf thinks I should tell these people off, but I’m not sure what to do.

Your gf is trying to be sensitive and protective. Telling anyone off will only push them further away. One of my patients has a similar situation. He introduces his sibling to other people. Most quickly learn that his sibling is a really great, fun-loving person with a disability. But in the end as the western adage goes, "Ya can't fix stupid!"

Part 2 They flat out told me never to bring her to our house. I just keep seeing her away from the house. I apologized to her for my family but I know she’s hurt. Anything I can say? I’m ashamed of my family.

Firstly, and most importantly, congratulations to you on realizing that your family does not hold the values that you do. All you can do is to keep loving your gf and respecting her for who she is. At some point your family may realize what kind of great person she is and how wonderful a person you are. Racism is still alive and well all over, but that does not mean you have to be a part of it.

I’m not sure how to handle this. Me and this girl are really into each other. It started out as just friends but turned into more. Here’e the rub. She is AA and I’m not. Her parents are cool with me but my parents aren’t cool with her. See part 2

see answer in part 2

My son moved in with us with his girlfriend. He just told us it was going to happen but really didn’t ask. They don’t do anything in the house. They come in at all hours of the night and sleep until noon. I don’t even know if either has a job. Are other parents in similar situations?

Ah, yes, the boomerang generation. As with any decent property owner, give them two weeks notice before evicted them. I can tell you that this problem did not just start. Entitlement, and that's what this is, starts at a very young age. Clearly, your son has been taught that he can pretty much do whatever he wants to do whenever he wants to do it. Let's call it like it is -- Your son wants all the privileges of adulthood but none of the responsibilities. ME TOO!! Too bad. You need to set very clear and firm boundaries and stick to them. To answer your question directly, yes, there are other parents in the same situation and for the same reasons. Stop being a doormat and being intimidated by your son. He needs to grow up, and you need to grow a pair.


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