Dr. Andrew

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would you date someone who self harms or is suicidal or anything like that?

When someone is that much emotional pain, he or she cannot give to another. For anyone who is not a mental health professional, and even for most who are, dealing with self harm and/or suicidality is very difficult. While you might want to help and nurture this person, he or she really needs professional help. Relationships are hard enough without the fear and worry associated with constantly being concerned about what will happen. I don't think you just cut off a relationship if the person is suicidal, but I would not start a relationship knowing that there are such major problems to start. If you care about this person, tell someone with enough experience to help them, but don't try to handle it yourself.

my gf is a very shy type i thought i could adapt buh now am kinda sick of it, she so shy she wont look me in the eye or kiss me,and am so sure she isnt seeing someone else....what i do?

As hard as it may be, you have to talk with her about what you are experiencing. There can be many reasons for her acting that way, so don't make any assumptions. Be a good listener. Good communication is ALWAYS the best way to resolve issues. Don't let issues go by without discussing them. They will come back up and eventually lead to a break up.

Is it cool just to meet someone at a place for the first date?

It really depends on what you are comfortable with. Years ago the traditional way was to pick your date up at home. This is 2014. Especially on the first date it's fine to meet someplace. Many people actually prefer the first date this way.

Related users

How do I tell this creepy guy at school to stop texting and emailing me?

This sounds like it is either beginning to get out of hand or already is. You need to tell your parents and a school counselor. Cyberstalking is a real issue, especially in school. It can escalate to dangerous levels. It really does require an authority figure to intervene. You do not have to handle this on your own, nor should you. Take care of this before something bad happens.

Do you think it’s okay to date someone who is 15 years older?

It really depends on your ages. As we get older, age differences have less of an impact on relationships. Someone 75 dating someone 90 really doesn't make much difference, but someone 16 dating someone 31 makes a huge difference because they are at different stages of their lives. It's really not a matter of whether or not I think it's okay. It's a matter of what's best for you. If you are asking this question, there are already doubts in your mind.

My parents want me to pray not to be gay. I’ve tried to explain its who I am, but they wont’ listen. Will they ever accept me?

Unfortunately, your parents are not educated with regard to homosexuality. Brain imaging has shown that brains of males who are gay have many of the same features as females who attracted to males. I might suggest you contact a local LGBT outreach program to try to assist you. They can provide you with information, both written and verbal, since many of them have gone through similar experiences. Trying to pray away your homosexuality is like praying your nose will be smaller and expecting it to happen. I can't tell you that they will accept you, but you should never give up who you are.

How do I get my boyfriend to be more affectionate?

Unfortunately, some guys have been taught to hide emotions, and that includes affection for someone they love. Tell him what you need, and ask him if that makes him uncomfortable. Sometimes guys are hesitant because they might feel they are being too aggressive. You have to be clear on what you want because sometimes guys confuse the word affectionate with the word sex.

My bf just broke up with me with a text. That sucks. What can I say to him to let him know it’s not ok?

That's a truly classless move. You can tell him that while you are disappointed and hurt that he broke it off, you thought he was more mature than to do it by text. Basically, he sounds like a chicken shit for the way he handled it. You can also look at it as a lesson you learned about him before things went further down the road.

What should you do if ur best friend and ur gf hooked up? I’d like to bitch slap both of them but we all run in the same circles.

First, stop calling him your best friend, and stop calling her your girlfriend. Neither deserves the title. For sure you were disrespected. You can tell them both how you feel, but given their deeds, I doubt they will think much of it, but I still think you should let them know. If your circle of friends is really loyal, the circle will take care of business for you. Stay above the crap. It's a lesson learned.

I’m from a very strict Mid-Eastern family. They are upset about me dating a “foreigner.” What do I say? I really love her.

Cross-cultural relationships can be really challenging. If she is willing, teach her some of the traditions of your culture. When you are both at social events, she will feel more comfortable and be able to participate, and your family will get to know a different side of her. There are no guarantees that your family will accept her even then, but it's certainly worth a try. If you've never seen the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," you should. It will help you understand and find the humor in your family.

My bf’s aunt works at the same place as me. She’s constantly spying on me. I’d like to tell her to f/o but I don’t. Any ideas?

You could tell her to f/o, but that would just cause a major problem in the family. You could try saying, "I noticed you've been interested in what I've been doing. I'm happy to answer any questions you may have." She will probably say that she doesn't know what you are talking about, but she will get the hint and back off. You and your bf could prank her by giving her a false clue, but that would be mean (but it sure would be fun). Hopefully, she'll get it the first time around. If none of it works, you and your bf should sit down with her together and let her know it makes you both uncomfortable.

My son’s girlfriend comes over often, but never helps me in the kitchen. What do I say w/o causing WWIII?

Since she obviously doesn't get it herself, there is nothing wrong with going over to her and saying, "I'd love some help in the kitchen." Don't get all involved in how it makes you feel or anything like that. Your son probably doesn't know what to do either. Sometimes you just have to prime the pump to get things moving. Some people have just not been taught how to be gracious, however in some families guests are specifically asked not to help. Don't make assumptions about her motives. Just ask for the help and let it go. It's not worth the aggravation.

how do u control erections when u hug a girl especially one who wont let go the hugging??

An erection is a natural reaction to being sexually aroused. You don't really "control" erections, but as you are more comfortable being hugged, you will not get as sexually aroused each time. As anybody will tell you, it really doesn't take much to get a guy aroused. It just come with the gender. There was a very famous actress early last century by the name of Mae West. Her most famous line was, "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" Either the girl really doesn't know what she's doing, or, more likely, she knows EXACTLY what she's doing. Enjoy :-)

I did your app, but now I can’t find a guy higher than medium. Are you sure it’s right?

The Love Shopping List app was developed over a long time and has lots of clinical experience behind it. Remember, the characteristics and their priority are yours. You picked them, and you put them in order of most important to least important. All we did was give them a value. If you were honest in your comparisons, then, yes, I'm sure it's right.

Should you always live with someone before marrying them?

The answer is totally up to the individuals. Today, it's fairly common to live together first. Even Britain's royalty did it, but it's not always necessary. The argument for doing it is to see if you are compatible living together. If you've been dating awhile, you've slept over and seen what you need to see. But the last word is between the two people.

I want to be serious with this girl, but she keeps racking up credit card debt. I’m scared, but I really love her. Help!

Money is one of the main reasons there are troubles in relationships. She has a serious problem, and until she can get it under control, you need to keep your boundaries. She is trying to fulfill some empty part of her life. She's trying to be happy from the outside in, and she may be a shopping addict. You need to be honest with her and then see if she will agree to get help. Warning! Danger!

What are some good ways to propose?

The best advice I can give you is to be original and creative. I've seen dessert delivered at a restaurant as a cake with a ring around a lit candle. I'm sure everyone has seen people propose at ball parks on the big screens. Just make sure you do it in a classy fashion, because that memory will last forever and you want it to be memorable, right? One guy had his girlfriend believing they were going to a surprise engagement party for her girlfriend. Well, they were going to an engagement party, and it was a surprise -- hers! Have fun and think it through.

What is sex addiction?

Many people still think there is no such thing as sex addiction. Science, especially brain imaging technology, has shown that there is. As with any addiction, the reward pathway in the brain gets overstimulated, and the person has a very hard time stopping the behavior even though it can really mess up their lives. Any addiction involves thinking about the behavior almost all the time and having the behavior interfere with your life, including relationships or involvement with the legal system. Sex addiction is no different. The person is obsessed with the idea of sex (and isn't just a 14 year old male with a Playboy under his pillow). All kidding aside, it is really a serious matter and requires professional help.

I love my husband but I am not in love anymore. What do I do?

You don't give a lot of details here. Is there a particular reason "You've lost that lovin'n feelin'?" ( a little Righteous Brothers from the movie Top Gun with Tom Cruise). Many marriages go stale for a variety of reasons. If you are interested in saving your marriage, it needs to be injected with some energy. Many couples get so busy, their relationship just gets put on the shelf. Relationships require ongoing energy. They are almost real live beings. You also don't say if there is someone else. As a psychologist, I always ask couples if they want to save the marriage and then work from there. You may want to get professional help.

Who pays for dinner or whatever on a date?

In the "old days" it was the male. But in today's world, most people are comfortable sharing costs since things are so much more expensive. I would say that if you ask someone out for the first time, you should pay. If you are of means, you can keep doing it as long as you don't feel taken advantage of. There are also lots of things you can do on a date that don't cost a lot of money. You just have to be creative.

How do I let this girl know I like her?

What you are really asking is how you approach her without worrying about rejection. The women can jump in here. You can send a card or an e-card. You can leave a note. There is no one way to do things, but by all means be classy. Try being a friend first. It sounds corny, but it's a better way to start. You can ask her friends some questions about her, which usually gets back to her that someone is interested in her. Please, no stalking. If you get a clear message to back off, then back off. Other than that, welcome to the awkward part of dating. It's been going on for a very, very long time. Don't worry, you'll get more comfortable with more experience.

Is molly really dangerous on dates?

First, molly is dangerous anyway, even though many people will tell you otherwise. Taking drugs when on a date tends to lower your inhibitions and increase your impulsivity, which often leads to regrets the next morning. There will be plenty of people (some may even join in this conversation) who will tell you that molly only makes things better. I just believe it's simply not worth the risk. There are too many things that can go very wrong.

How do I know when I’m ready for sex?

Probably a better question is, "Am I emotionally mature enough for sex?" Most young people underestimate the emotional impact of sex, particularly females. The sex act itself is really no big deal, although there are many taboos against it. Part of the problem is that we have separated sex from intimacy. I always try to counsel people that the experience should be very fulfilling. Physiologically, you are ready for sex after puberty. That's not complicated. It's everything else that goes along with it. The only thing I suggest to people is that they think about first. If you do that, you will know when you are ready.

I’m Hispanic and my gf is A-A. We’re getting shit from both families. What do we say?

The best way to handle this is to educate your families by letting them learn about both of you by being with you. You really can't say anything. You can only be around often enough for them to learn to appreciate both of you.

How do I explain the difference between sex and intimacy to my boyfriend?

Both males and females often confuse the two. Sex is part of intimacy, but they are definitely not the same thing. Intimacy involves closeness, sharing things you wouldn't tell anyone else, being vulnerable, and sharing private moments. Some females blame males for the confusion, but the truth is both genders are guilty of the mistake.


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